a small update...

So my hubby and I are moving this week so hopefully next week I can start the blog back up...

I just wanted to share somethings that I have been working on not really no one wants to read and see pictures of cardboard boxes.  My life is basically all packed up.  We get the keys to our new place on Tuesday and I'm so EXCITED!!! (thank you to my best friend J and her mom we got the apartment... small world the landlord and her mom are best friends and they told us that is why we got the apartment)  

I have been taking pictures of the nursery that we made for our daughter.  It is the last room to be packed and I just want to sit in there and remember everything that I did for her.

Well I'm going to leave you with a story about the little toe...

My family all the girls have this toe...  It is the pinky toe and so much smaller than the rest of them and it tucks behind the other toes.  This is the only thing that I wanted this little girl to have is this toe.  It is a special toe it connects all the girls in our family.  I prayed and prayed for this toe.  After I quickly named her before she was in my arms my husband says...  "She has the Toe" my heart melt.  I got my little girl and the toe.  I asked for pictures of this toe.  The photographer lifted the toe and put it on the other toe so that we could see it.  I liked the picture but it didn't really show off how the toe is suppose to look like.  So today while I was in the nursery taking pictures I did it.  I grabbed the moldings of her feet and started taking pictures.

  

Why was my daughter was a STILL BORN???

    I got a question asked to me today and the person asked me how come my daughter was a STILL BORN?

   That was a very good question I never really explained why my daughter was a STILL BORN.  I opted out for the autopsy of our daughter and so did my husband.  We however did ask that they ran tests on the placenta they did.  This is the answer I received It was a FREAK ACCIDENT this only happens very seldom.  My daughter didn't have a knot in the umbilical cord.  The doctors only answer was she must of laid on her umbilical cord cutting off everything she needed to survive.  The placenta was extremely healthy.
(I never took a prenatal vitamin because I would throw it back up)

  This is my side of the story...  The last time I felt my daughter move was on Saturday night I watched her as she kicked down her 6 week old cousin on to my legs so she wouldn't be near my belly when I was sitting down with her.  I think my daughter was jealous of my niece because whenever I would hold my niece there would be a kicking storm happening.  Saturday night I went to bed everything was fine I woke up at 1:00 in the morning thinking something was wrong but I blew it off because I just felt a contraction actually happening.  Is that the time when I lost my little girl no one truly knows.  Did a mother intuition kick in like I knew something had happened to my baby no not really.  I do wonder what if... a lot.  Especially since I wonder what the hospital would have done if I showed up and I wasn't really in Labor and all I could tell them is something isn't right would they have just sent me home saying strange pregnant lady she isn't even in active labor yet.

  My sister has an interesting story about my niece I hope she doesn't my mind me sharing.  When we called her to tell her what had happened.  My niece struck a fever a pretty high fever like she needed to go to the hospital fever.  The fever didn't break until my little girl was born.

   My brothers girlfriend the one that also lost her son told me her story of that night today.  I hope she doesn't mind me sharing either.  This is hard for both of us because we are both mommies that have lost their little babies way to soon.  She told me that when they heard the news she started cramping and spotting she was still in the first trimester at that time.  They went to the doctor right after seeing and meeting our little girl.  The doctor said it is most likely that she was going to miscarry.  She stopped cramping and spotting it would happen every once in awhile and than it would just stop.  When they went to another doctors appointment they were told that the placenta wasn't fully attached.  A couple of weeks later her water broke.  We were all in fear of having another still born baby.  But by a little miracle there was enough amniotic fluid around the babies head enough to keep the baby alive.  So she went on to bed rest.  A couple weeks later she went into labor and delivered our nephew who proved to us that baby books are not always right with how big the baby is suppose to be every week.  My nephew was 12 inches long when he should of only have been about 8 inches long also he was a pound and seven ounces.  My little girl was there in the room to greet him.

    My little girl had such a bigger purpose for us than we will ever know.  My little girl is an Angel not just only to me and her daddy.  I know my little girl was there for her cousin that night.  I know my little girl was there for her cousin letting him come and let us meet him.  and now my little girl is with my mom her grandma everyday letting us have a miracle with getting time to spend with my mom.  Not only that but every person that met my daughter family, friends, nurses and whoever said wow she is so beautiful and I'm so glad that I get to hold this little angel in my arms.

This is our BEAUTIFUL daughter!!!

    

The holidays

The holidays have came and gone but this is my story of the first holiday with my daughter gone and I would love to share it.  My life has been in a whirlwind I have told you about the big things that have happened to me.  I got through the holidays but I did cry and especially at Christmas time.  I wanted to be pregnant last Christmas and that was the only gift I wanted in ‘09. Quick background story about that Christmas.  I was so excited for Christmas because if I had done my calculating right I was able to do the gross thing and find out if I was pregnant I woke up that morning and did my normal waking up routine you know put in contacts, brush my teeth use the bathroom.  But that morning was different because I was so excited I did the gross thing first and than did the rest.  Well before I could get to doing the gross thing I was already starting to be visited by mother nature.  I just did my normal routine than hubby and I went to open Christmas gifts.  We had opened everything than my husband pulls out another present I open it and it is a Wii I was excited don't get me wrong.  But than I just started to cry for a second hubby thought I was excited about the Wii.  I was but I was sad that the only Christmas gift I wanted didn't come true.  A week later I found out that I was pregnant and my present really did happen.  I planned Christmas in my head over and over again while I was pregnant than I blocked out all the ideas in September, October, and November.  In December one plan happened that I had not wanted to happen.  My nephew was buried right next to my daughter and they sang him a Christmas song I cried non-stop my heart was breaking again for my daughter and for my brothers son.  That was the hardest part of Christmas.  We went to her grave decorated it on Christmas Eve we gave her a small live Christmas Tree with a stocking.  It made my heart hurt that I had to celebrate Christmas that way with her instead of watching her enjoy the lights on Christmas.  I love my little angel and I’m glad that she got to spend her Christmas with Our Savior.

It has been 5 months

It has been 5 months since the day our daughter was still born and my heart still mourns for my little girl.  My little girl was perfect she was absolutely perfect.  I wish sometimes wish that I could still have her to see her beauty develop.  But than I remember that this was part of God’s plan and that we will one day see her beauty.  My life has been a roller coaster these last months.  My brother lost his son.  His son was premature by 15 weeks my little nephew put up a good fight but Heavenly Father also wanted him back. (roller coaster)  Inside I feel as my daughter was lonely seeing all her cousins down here on earth and was getting lonely so she now has a cousin to play with.  I know she was right there waiting for him when he returned.

My daughter influenced my life for the short time that she was here with me.  I had a photographer come to the Hospital and take pictures of my daughter and that is what I want to do and offer my service to other families.  I just got a DSLR camera and I’m just learning how to use it.  It makes my days seem not so boring now.  I pull out my camera and go on an adventure to find a great picture to take.  My husband is busy with school and I envy him.  I wish that I could go to school and have my mind on other things for the couple of hours he is at school.  My dream and I hope becomes a reality soon is that I will be able to take an online course of photography.  I think if I stayed busy with a photography course online I wouldn’t have as much free time to think about my daughter.  Its not because I don’t like thinking about my daughter it just makes my heart hurt.  I know in my heart that my daughter would not want me to be sad for her but instead be happy for her.  I know that my daughter is up in Heaven with family that loves her and family is telling stories to her about her mom and dad.  I know that she is giggling at the stories.  I know that she is my little guardian angel and she is always here to comfort me when I need it.  So I’m not trying to forget about my little girl but I’m trying to carry on like she would want me to.

Going back to work

Going back to work.

   I thought going back to work would be a blessing in some ways and in other ways the worst part of all.  I went back a week early because I thought that is when I was suppose to return luckily after telling everyone that my daughter was a STILL BORN the person in charge told me that I didn’t have to be back to work until the next week and asked me if I wanted to go home.  I was crying and said yes.  I see it as a blessing from my daughter she knew I was in pain.   She knew that I wanted to go home and just be able to cry.  When I got home my dear best friend was able to come and hangout with me for awhile.  I stayed up a little bit more after she went home and when I went to bed I realized my hubby wasn’t going to be there to hold me while I drifted off to sleep.  I eventually fell asleep but in the back of mind I was feeling all alone.  So I turned for my comfort I started sleeping with the blanket my daughters blanket that she was wrapped up in after she had her bath.  I found great comfort in that.  So yes I sleep with a blankee like I’m a little girl again. That weekend I went over and spent the nights with my sister her husband was out of town and I got to be her little sis.  My family is the best support system that I have and I’m so grateful for them.  So I returned back to work and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be after I told everyone the news the week prior.  My boss came and talked to me about how she mourned the loss of my daughter and she mourned for the pain my mom had to be going through because she also lost a grandchild and her heart broke for her son.  I had my strength.  I carried pictures of her in my work bag.  I read a lot to pass the time. 

I saw teardrops

 Daddy and I were talking to Uncle C about calling the mortuary so that they could come and get you.  When I looked down at you there was a little teardrop coming out of your eye.  I foolishly wiped it away because I thought it was one of mine.  But than after wiping it away I saw another one come.  I knew that you were not ready to leave your mommy and daddy.  I told daddy you weren't ready to leave yet.  Than later on that evening when Aunt D came by to drop off the dinner she made for us.  I was holding you in my arms and when D was laughing and talking to us.  I got a whisper of saying YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN LET ME GO NOW AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY MOMMY.  So when D left I told daddy we can do this.  We told the nurse and the nurse called and found out that they were having problems with not having space so they said they were going to keep you in the hospital.  That is why I got to write a letter to you at the hospital because you were in my arms that morning and I just started writing everything I wanted you to know about your family.  I will never forget writing our letter.  There was laughter in the letter and than there was the heartbreak of the story (that I just told everyone excluding the viewing/graveside) but you came and held me and said mommy I love you so much and I will always be here.  I feel so much love from you and you know that I love you so much. 

Graveside for our Daughter

After my sobbing into my dads shoulder our family went on our first limo ride to the cemetery not the first place I would want to go in a limo.  On the way there I held on to my daughters bed wishing that it was a infant car seat instead of something that will go into the ground.  We got to the cemetery I said my last private goodbye to her I let her know how much she is loved by her dad and I and all of her family.  I got out of the limo and started the walk over to the chair that was right in front of her grave.  My daughter is buried in my moms plot so she will be standing on my moms shoulders.  I love that she will be with my mom.  I kept my sunglasses on.  I felt like I was a movie star you know when everyone is wondering who it is that is hiding their face.  But this time I was hiding my face to cover all the tears that were in my eyes.  I was sad and broken.  It was a beautiful graveside.  My little angel got to hear from all of her grandparents and her aunt B.  My friend who is so kind prepared a song for us on her cello.  I held onto my little nephew R and just rubbed his back thinking one day we will have our children with us again.  My nephew finally fell asleep on our lap and we just sat there with the love of my siblings surrounding us.  It was simply the best for my daughter to celebrate her life with us.  I couldn’t stay to watch her get lowered into the ground my husband and I went with our friend to the luncheon and I waited as my family helped my daughters body into the ground.  We Love Our Little Angel L And We Miss Her Every Day!!!

Alma 40:23

23: The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea,, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.

So until that day were going to remember how perfect our daughter was and we can wait until we meet again!

Our Daughters Viewing

(long one sorry)

I have to tell about the stuff no one wants to hear I know it sucks.   The night before my daughters funeral I was moving to be closer to my hubby for some cuddles before going to sleep when I was in the process my milk came.  That was painful and a slap in the face to me like another reminder that my daughter wasn't with us.  I was okay until I woke up and I was in pain.  My friend B was coming over to do my hair for me.  So she came over and we got my mind off of the pain by just talking.  My friend also helped me and I thank her with all my heart helped me get ready she helped me put on the dress.  It is one of those wrap around dresses and oh my I didn't really know how to put it on.  So she helped me into my dress.  My mom and sister came over right as we were leaving the bedroom.  My sister was here to do my makeup for me.  Yes, I was a little pampered and didn't have to worry about doing the whole getting ready for the day.  I just got to sit and think about the day ahead of me.  My mom however was there to help me get over the pain of the milk.  I was given so many things that everyone was joking that I was a pill popper.  To this day I cannot even remember what was given to me.  I know that the lora tab was given to me and also the other magic pill we called it the happy pill it was given to me whenever I started to get angry at people.  So we finished getting ready.  We than drove to the mortuary where we were going to have the viewing.  I was thinking I just want to see my daughter I want to soak up time with her.  I of course got stopped by the people out in front who couldn't stay longer and wanted to give me their blessing which I'm grateful for.  But I was on my way to be able to see my daughter when I got bombarded by others wanting me to do other little random tasks I finally broke out of my daze and just said "I just want to see my daughter let me go see her."  I than raced over to my daughter and gave her a kiss on the forehead and said mommy is here.  I stood by her side the entire time I didn't leave it she looked like an angel in her pretty white dress.  I knew she was with us and telling us how much she loved us and she didn't want us to be in pain.  My daughter kept me strong when everyone was giving me hugs and telling me how sorry they were.  My cousin J than came up to me and his eyes were already swollen he was the first this year to give my grandma another great grandchild my sister had the second so June, July, and August I was August.  My cousin J and his wife were scared that they were going to loose the baby but it didn't happen.  He walked up to me and gave me the biggest hug and said I wish that this would of never happened I said me too and we just cried.  (I love the men in my family because they not afraid to let the tears stream their face)  I was doing okay than it came time to give the family prayer (in our religion we say a family prayer in a circle before we say our earthly goodbyes) my dad gave the family prayer in the hospital before she went to the mortuary (which gave us the greatest comfort to be able to let our daughter go).  My dad than gave the family prayer again and it was just as beautiful.  I said my earthly goodbye to my daughter I whispered my little saying to her.  My dad than grabbed me and held on to me when I sobbed as my heart was breaking because that was the last time I got to kiss my sweet angel goodbye before I see her again in the eternities.

preparing for our daughters funeral

The two days that were leading up to my daughters funeral.  Were hard I cannot lie I was doing everything that I never wanted to do in my life.  I never wanted to pick out a casket for my daughter.  So I picked out a bed for her just to rest in until we could meet again.  After picking out her bed.  My mom took me shopping for the dress to wear for my daughters viewing/graveside.  My mom and I went and picked up my husband we spared him from the shopping trip.  After picking him up we went back to the mortuary and dressed our daughter for the last time.  We rubbed Burts Bee lotion on to her so that she could be our little Burt Bees baby.  I explained to her everything that I put on her so that she would know that the dress came from her grandparents.  I explained to her about the bracelets that we both received from the grandparents.  I explained to her how this would be our connection.  We buried her on a warm August day.

I wrote my daughter a letter

I wrote my daughter a letter.  I wrote my daughter a letter about all of the hopes and dreams we had for her.  I wrote to her about her family.  I wrote about how her mommy and daddy had fallen in love.  I wrote to her about her aunts and uncles and cousins.  I wrote about how much we loved her and all the special times we had together during the 9 months.  I wrote to her about the hard time also.  I told her about how it was to deliver her.  I wrote to her telling her that she needed to hold my hand and help me through the next couple of days.  This letter is a special letter for me, my husband and my family.  I told her the little jokes that we had with her in the hospital.  I told the story of her life what she loved to have me eat.  My little girl loved sugar I would walk down the candy aisle and pick out all the fruity candy and jolly ranchers.  How she loved the fruity candy and hated chocolate it would always give me heartburn when I ate it.  I told her about the love of watermelon with salt on it so it would bring out more flavor I ate so much watermelon with her.  We had a love affair with sugar and loved it so much.  My daughter is now known as my "sweet" angel.

After she was born

“ I have never asked why but rather what is that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, Not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties.”

-Richard G. Scott

After she was born I got to bath my daughter after we held her and loved her.  My parents and my husbands mom was there.  They got to hold her and love on her.  My parents took the pictures of her before she got her bath.  We got to see her little spirit shine through her body.  My daughter was so special you could feel how strong and amazing she was.  We had a photographer come and take the moldings of the hands and feet of our daughter and take pictures of her.  After I bathed her.  I was a mommy that didn’t know what outfit she wanted to bring her baby home in.  So in the hospital bag she had one outfit, gowns, and onsies.  I was a happy mommy when I remembered how many outfits I had for my little girl.  My little girls first outfit was a little yellow dress that had rainbows all over the dress.  My best friend J had given me that outfit for my daughter.  I think she knew that it was meant to be my daughters.  This little yellow dress was made for her.  My little daughter glowed in the outfit and that is the outfit that she met all of her family in.   My friends got to come and meet her and hold her.  My best friend J came and took pictures of my little girl.  It was a day to never forget.  So whenever I see a rainbow I know that it is a reminder of the love of my daughter.

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her, ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after it’s resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit….”
-Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, 177

My little girl was born.

My little girl was born.  I didn’t get to hear her cry or see her take a breath of air.  I got to hold her.  I got to name my Angel.  My Angel that I had seen before.  My little girl was STILL BORN.  I felt so much life in that room she wasn’t alive but I could still feel her spirit in that room.  Our little girl was happy to be with both of her parents.  Daddy was in love but afraid of holding her.  Mommy was in love and just wanted to soak up the time I got to be with her.  Daddy after watching Mommy show their little girl how much she loved her Daddy held her.  Mommy watched as Daddy’s face changed again this time she watched as the Love poured out over his face.  As he were holding his daughter after waiting the 9 months to be able to hold his baby.  We got to spend almost two amazing days with her.  The Savior promised me time if I stayed Strong.  I stayed strong during the delivery and he blessed me with the two days.  Now I have to stay strong now for the promise of more time with her in the eternities.

I would almost be asleep.

I would almost be asleep.  It is now time for me to tell you the affects drugs have on me.  While my husband was on his LDS mission I waited for him. I had a root canal on the tooth right next to my front teeth the dentist gave me Lora tab or however you spell it.  I would only take a half on one and it would have me knocked out until the next day when I would take one.  I would take it at bedtime so I could sleep through out the night.  It helped me all the next day.  Co-workers told me never to get on drugs because they could tell. Your thinking that is just Lora tab that affects everyone.  I’m the girl who takes a Tylenol and it knocks me out.  Let’s not talk about ibuprofen that is worse. Well back on to the story.

The morphine only affected me in between contractions I would get rest and I would almost be asleep.  Than a contraction would happen. And we would go through the whole ordeal again my husband begging me to breathe.  During this time of not having the epidural and just morphine.  I was so ANGRY with our Heavenly Father I couldn’t’ believe He was doing this to me.  He let me carry her for the 9 months and than did this to me.  I was hurt I wanted to yell and scream but I couldn’t because I was in so much pain.  I finally got the epidural.  Life was starting to go a little better.  Because of how drugs affect me I had one contraction when the epidural was given and than I didn’t feel any pain.  They were shocked that it worked this fast.  So while I got my epidural they started the hormone that induces labor I was already at a 5 (the number again) by the time I got the epidural.  It just turned into a waiting game of when I would have to deliver.  During that time I was comforted by our Savior.  He reminded me of His promise.  He told me that she would be my daughter for all eternity and that I would get to spend time with her if I stayed strong.  He reminded me that He had felt my pain when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Right than our Heavenly Father was forgiven I wasn’t angry anymore.  I stayed strong and at 12:49am on August 23, 2010 My little girl was born.

My mom made the decision for me

My mom made the decision for me.  This is a side story that is needed.  My parents had me make a hard decision about our family dog when I was in High School they asked me after our dog was poisoned if we should take her home and just nurse her in hopes that she would get healthy again or if we should just put her to sleep.  I made the decision to put our dog to sleep.  It was one of the hardest decisions I would ever make and I knew in my heart that one day I would be able to count on my parents when I needed to make a decision that I couldn’t handle. Well back on to the story.

 My mom made the decision for me.  My mom told me and whispered in my ear that I needed to be induced than she told the Dr.  So that is what I was going to do.  I started walking to the Labor and Delivery Room and while I was walking my ANGER was swelling up inside me.  We got to room number 5 (if you have ever seen the movie Where the Heart is the number 5 is a bad number for the main character) that is how I remember my room number.  My contractions were starting to turn into the beast inside of me.  I was so upset with having to feel the pain of a contraction and with the outcome of a dead baby.  No reward in the end.  They gave me morphine to reduce the pain while I waited for the epidural.  The person that administers the epidural was in a emergency C-section and couldn’t leave the room.  I wasn’t breathing when the contractions came.  I was so angry that I didn’t even care if I hyperventilated.  My husband sat at my side begging me to breathe.  I breathed for him.  The morphine only affected me in between contractions I would get rest and I would almost be asleep.

I was going to deliver a still born.

I was going to deliver a still born.  Let me tell you about the third trimester really quickly.  Every pregnancy book tells you that you have to sign up for a birthing class so that is what we did we followed the pregnancy books advice.  So we signed up we went to every class they taught us how the baby comes pretty much the stuff you learn in High School.  We just learned more of the steps of Labor.  Oh yeah and they teach you how to breathe while your in labor.  No matter what the baby is going to come I really didn’t need to learn the steps of labor that is more for people who are wanting to know everything medically.  Well back on to the story.

Before they had told me I knew something wasn’t right so I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing.  My husband gave me a priesthood blessing and after they came back into the room I was told I was going to deliver a still born.  They told me I had three choices 1. Just wait until my doctor came back from out of town (side note: He told me I couldn’t have the baby over the weekend because he had to go to a medical conference good timing??) and they would give me a drug to stop the contractions and the laboring.  2.  I could be induced so that the labor would start faster.  And the last choice number 3.  I could get a C-section.  I thought about having a C-section because than I could maybe just maybe save my babies life.  My husband while they were explaining my choices was unaware of what was going on.  I was alone.  My husband was unaware because he received a phone call from my sister who heard that I was in labor and at the hospital and wanted to be there for me. My husband had to ask what was happening and why these choices were being told to me.  I got to watch as I was alone watch my husbands face break at the sound of the Dr. explaining to him that we had lost our little girl.  It was one of the hardest moments in my life.  I will never forget the look on my husbands face change so dramatically.  So after he had heard the choices and the news.  My parents came into the room.  I reached out for my mommy and told her the news SHES DEAD.  As my mom was holding me and trying to comfort me.  My mom made the decision for me.