Strength

My life is all about STRENGTH. I may have a cute hubby and a cute little girl but mostly my life is all about strength.  I have hit a point where people think it should be a time for me to move on with losing my little angel.  Others who have lost say there is no time that goes by that your heart hurts. It has been almost 3 years since I lost my little angel and my heart mourns for her still.  I want so much to be a mother of two little girls who can play and be friends. I see my little girl playing and I wish that her big sister was here with her to play with her. I'm a mom who lost a baby and there will always be a hole in my heart that I will never get back.

It still takes strength daily to get out of bed to go see my smiling happy girl. (I have panic attacks if she isn't awake yet when I get out of my room)  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to walk out the door everyday to go to work.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to not cry at all the songs that remind me of my little girl.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to care for others and let them in my heart.  When it does my love just gets stronger.  I wish it didn't take so long for people to let them in my heart but it does.
I mourn more than most people.  I don't think people understand why. My life was shattered in a second and I wish that upon no one.

I wish I was stronger when I needed to be stronger.  Instead my body had a major panic attack and that is not okay by me. I wish I could of been the person I was four years ago when my anxiety didn't jump in and take over my life and take control over my life.  My strength that has been built up for the last three years but it wasn't strong enough for me on Sunday when I needed it the most.

I'm once again in mourning but this time it is a happy mourning.  Just a hard one because in my heart I did everything I could and I still lost.

I have another angel in my heart I took care of her, I loved her as if she could be my daughter if I was 50 years older. (I work with the mentally handicap and I love them all so much) I lost one of my ladies on Sunday.  I have only worked with her for a couple of months during the day but I took care of her for 2 years at night. I will miss her.

Strength is something we all have we just don't realize how much we have of it when its not needed but once we need it you feel it.  You can feel it run throughout your body just to pick up your foot just to take a step.

My strength is always with me during July-August. I always  put on a happy face for people but if they really asked me how I was doing and wanted to hear how I was.  They would know that for 6 weeks during the summer I remember everything that happened.  I remember the month before my little angel L had her baby bump pictures taken.  I remember holding my cute little niece as a newborn with Little L in me and how she would kick and kick.  I remember the feeling of wanting my baby so much.  I remember the doctor telling me that my baby had died. I remember seeing her and just wishing that we would hear a cry come from her.  It didn't happen. I remember holding her and just loving on her as people came to see her and meet her.

My strength is always up during these six weeks but I wasn't prepared for having to rely on it again so much.  So my thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the lady that we lost on Sunday. 

The Gift Of Compassion

I sit here wondering what to type.  I'm in silence just thinking and pondering over what I would like to write.  I wrote about the Savior and the strength He gives me yesterday.  I still want to write about my strength.  Not just going back to work but just going places and being there for my family and friends.

My mom was so worried about when she would see me smile again when my daughter had died.  My mom worried about when would be the next time she would see me smile.  If her daughter would just crawl up in a ball and not her spirit shine through.  I did think about that when I was walking to the delivery room.  I thought how can my life carry on after this.  Than I saw my mom there beside me taking care of her daughter making sure I was going to be okay.  I just wanted to have the same experience with my daughter the chance to be there for her when she was going to be having her first baby.  That dream had disappeared it was over in a second.  I than thought about how much my mom loves me and how much I love her.
My mom has the most amazing strength I have ever seen.  My mom has cancer but she is curing it the natural way with the things that God has given us instead of man made chemo and radiation.  My mom was misdiagnosed with her cancer when I was in Jr. High.  When my hubby was on his mission I woke up one day to see that both of my parents were gone.  Just one vehicle was missing.  I called their cell phones no answer.  I came home after work.  My parents were still not home.  My parents would tell me if they were going on a spontaneous trip and they would answer their phones.  I went into my room knelt down to the ground and prayed for their safety.  I was worried I asked for comfort.  I than crawled into bed and drifted slowly to sleep still not hearing my parents come home.  The next day I woke up they were back they asked me to come sit down in the living room.  I was sitting next to my mom when she told me that she had cancer.  I grabbed her and cried.  My mom was that example to me.  My mom has so much strength everyday is a miracle with my mom.  I smiled after my daughter was born.  I have stayed strong for her and now I have to stay strong for my mom and my family.
This last Saturday night I got a call from my friend.  My friend called to have me come over to comfort on the worst night of her life.  My friends dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2009.  In November my friend had found out that she was pregnant.  My friend also found out in the same month that  there was nothing they could do for her father.  My friend stayed positive her dream was that her dad was going to hold his first grandchild.  This phone call she could barely talk she asked if I was busy.  I said if you need me I can be there.  She said that she would like that.  I got there and I saw so much pain her eyes.  My friend got the news that night that her dad had passed away from the cancer.  I just sat there and comforted her.  She told me I was called because I was a friend that could comfort.  That has stuck with me.  I'm a friend who can comfort.  I have gone through loosing a daughter and I can still go comfort my friends when they need me the most in their life.
I have to be grateful for the Savior for giving me that strength to still be me.  I can see my sorrows and see my friends sorrow but I can look past my sorrow to be there for her.  Compassion is what the Savior had shown to us and the Savior has given me the gift of compassion.

  Lord, I Would Follow Thee 

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.

   Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
 

I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
  

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
  

hymn 220

    I know that I wrote yesterday saying that I would share more memories of my daughter but this has just been on my mind.