Monday, January 31, 2011

Quote of the day

“We should learn to be patient with ourselves. Recognizing our strengths and our weaknesses, we should strive to use good judgment in all of our choices and decisions, make good use of every opportunity, and do our best in every task we undertake. We should not be unduly discouraged nor in despair at any time when we are doing the best we can. Rather, we should be satisfied with our progress even though it may come slowly at times.”
-Joseph B. Wirthlin

Saturday, January 29, 2011

A Spoonful Of Sugar Blog

A blog I follow has challenged of all of its readers/followers to write 5 things that you are grateful for here is the challenge:

"Oh I had a really great idea, I think it would be really awesome, if on February 1st all my bleeps, did one post on gratitude. I challenge you to find 5 things that you are grateful for, and blog about it. Let me know, cause I would love to know what you are grateful for!"
check out her blog here

so for my challenge that I'm giving myself I'm going to give a list today and than again on the first I'm going to write another list of things I couldn't live with out.  So I'm going to do this blog about what I'm grateful for and than on the first I'm going to write a list of things I couldn't live without.

I'm grateful...

1. My family- Husband, and my two angels.  My parents and my siblings.  My in-laws.

2,  Friends- all of my friends that have stuck with me and our husband during the best of things and the worst of things.

3.  Our Savior Jesus Christ- He gave me a promise and He has been upholding that promise.

4.  Prophet and the Apostles-  I just love that they are so close to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and they give us guidance on how to live our lives.

5. YOU!- Yes, YOU!  Thank You for letting me share my story of my daughter and thank you for all the wonderful comments on this blog.

I'm going to extend this challenge out to YOU to write about 5 things you are grateful for!  Tell me about it also so that I can enjoy reading what you are grateful for. 

Just a scripture

"And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw? And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things. And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul." (1 Nephi 11:21-23)
just saw this scripture and thought i would share!!!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Mount Timpanogas Temple
(this photo is copyrighted under jwaitephotography and I have special permission to use it)

This is where our eternal family began.  I love this Temple and I'm so glad that I can see it daily and know of the reminder that families are forever....   I'm thinking about sharing a picture of my daughter if anyone wants to see what my angel looks like leave a comment.

Maybe I will do it when my blog gets 10 or 15 followers...

Quote of the day

"The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that “friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism.’” That thought ought to inspire and motivate all of us because I feel that friendship is a fundamental need of our world. I think in all of us there is a profound longing for friendship, a deep yearning for the satisfaction and security that close and lasting relationships can give. Perhaps one reason the scriptures make little specific mention of the principle of friendship is because it should be manifest quite naturally as we live the gospel."
-Marlin K. Jensen
Today was a good day I got to hang out with some of my friends.  I love how friendship brings laughter and smiles into your daily life.  Look around you and see all the friends in your life and see how blessed you are.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

For my blogger in New Zealand

THANK YOU!!! I love the song you posted on my blog I have quickly began to share it with my friends.  My friend says thank you for the cry.  It was an absolute beautiful song.  I feel bad for making anyone cry.  I know that my story is a sad one but I hope in writing out my story everyone will learn about my beautiful daughter.  My daughter lived with me for 9 months and it is my turn to tell the story of how my daughter lived.  Tell your mum that it will be a glorious day for her when she gets to see her sweet little baby.  My mom is also a mum she is from England.  Thank you for reading my blog it means so much to me.

Everyone you need to go check out this song that she posted to me and it made me smile, cry, and know that there is good in this world...

Tiki Taane's Lullaby

so my cute blogger friend from New Zealand wrote a blog following my blog go check her out here and read the responding blog to this blog I love her cute little family and reading all the cute things her two little boys say.

Butterfly Fly Away

Butterfly Fly Away lyrics
Songwriters: Ballard, Glen; Silvestri, Alan;

You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

I watched the Hannah Montana movie when I was pregnant and this song stuck out to me.  I learned how to sing it to my belly so that I would be able to sing it to my little girl.  This has easily became one of my favorite songs now.  I still listen to it and wishing for the day that we return to be with each other we will be able to sing this song to her.  My little girls room was decorated with dragonflies, butterflies, and ladybugs.  She was my little caterpillar and I got to see her beauty come she is truly a butterfly to me.  

plans change

The changing of plans.  I had all these plans in my mind.  I had a plan for when my baby was born.  Yes, a good old plan and how they change.  My plan was going to be me staying at home with the baby for a month and than going back to work for a month and than quit to be a stay at home mommy.  I was so excited about becoming a mommy and quitting my job.  I have been at my job for almost 5 years and I was ready to start something new.  My husband was going to take his month off when I went back to work to be with the baby we work the same shift and so we thought it would be best if we took care of her instead of having someone else watching a newborn at night.  Well that plan changed.  I had a hard couple of weeks I’m not going to sugar coat it.  I was upset with our Heavenly Father I wanted to be a mommy and take care of my child.  I didn’t want to be the one that everyone had to worry about and take care of.

  We went to church not the Sunday after but the next Sunday.  I ran out of the chapel crying right at the beginning of Sacrament.  There was a baby blessing that was going to be happening that day.  I just remember getting up and walking as fast as I can out the door of the chapel.  I was crying so hard I was thinking this is unfair.  I should have been blessing my child with her name and not having to listen as her grandfather dedicated the grave.  I was sitting on the steps outside of the church just sobbing.  My husband sitting next to me saying I know it hurts.  I just kept looking down at my scriptures and praying that I could get the strength to walk back in and enjoy feeling the spirit.  My husband sat by me and just let me cry during those minutes of me praying for strength.  I got the strength to go back into church but it was after the baby blessing.  We didn’t go back into the chapel instead we sat on the couches received the sacrament.  We didn’t enter the chapel when everyone when in to sit down.  We sat on the couches and than there was a young mom out there with one of her sons and I was just sitting there watching.  I knew that her husband was in the chapel just sitting and waiting for them to return to be with them.  I thought in my mind my little girl is just sitting up there waiting for me knowing that I will be with her in just a short time but for her mommy it just seems like a long time.  I know that when I wait for someone it seems like an eternity before they return but I always know that they will return to be with me.  I wonder if it is the same way for my daughter.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Enjoyin' the small things in life

As of today I look for the positive things in life daily.  I do still miss my daughter.  I miss not being able to go into the baby section and look at little outfits for my little girl.  But than I turn and see the smile on my cousin T's face and see how she is glowing with the love of her little baby bump.

As for today I'm going to go enjoy myself at a certain BYU Basketball game.

Quote of the day

"The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light."
- Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A start of a new Life

My husband had to start school at BYU the Monday after she was born so a week later.  Instead of taking his month off later in the semester as he planned he got to take the month off with me.  We had a great month together.  We spent so much time with each other and we weren’t cranky due to the sleeping schedules we have.  It felt like we were dating again but better because we got to go home and we didn’t have to go to work.  We went on a lunch date up Provo Canyon.  We went out to the movies.  We went out to a nice dinner.  We spent so much time talking and talking about our daughter and thinking how lucky we are to be her parents.  We didn’t have the stress of hoping that are daughter makes it into the Celestial Kingdom.  Instead we have the stress of that to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  We held on to each other and just let our love help us through this pain that we were feeling.  Life for my husband was hard every class that he was taking had to mention something to do with family and how the greatest joy is having children.  It hurt him.  He was a father but just without his little girl.  I was at home while he was at school.  I would wake up in the morning go into the living room and turn on the TV I don’t remember what I watched but I would see that at 4 in the afternoon that I had not moved and I just would feel disappointment because I didn’t do anything to help out while he was away at school.  I would hurry and get up and try to find the strength to clean some things up or just try to cook a meal.  I cried over the loss of the plans I had for me.  I knew I was going to be busy after my daughter was born that I would be having to take care of her.  I never knew that I was going to have a STILL BORN and those plans would not exist.  I was having a hard time on the days that he had to be gone until 8 or 9 at night.

Quote of the day

"Writing love notes isn’t really a new idea, but it’s not a stale one, either, according to the letters we received. Such notes are found all over Latter-day Saint homes, in lunch boxes, in shirt pockets, in shoes, on the refrigerator, in scriptures, in overnight cases. Afterwards, they’re found in scrapbooks and other repositories of family treasures."
-Marvin K. Gardner   

Love notes??? one of my favorite past times.  I love writing to my husband a simple letter telling him why I love him so.  I just have to brag my husband is pretty much the best husband ever.  I cry he holds me.  My husband has always thought of me before he thinks of himself.  I asked him the other night his story about hearing the loss of his daughter this is what he told me my heart broke but than I immediately thought about what I needed to do for you.  Pretty much the most amazing husband ever.  Not only did he stick by my side for the loss of our still born daughter he was there for me when I went through the miscarriage.  I wrote to my husband for the two years while he was away on his LDS mission.  Lets just say it is a little habit that I can sit down and write to him.  The letters that I wrote to him on his mission are now part of our little family history.

Here is a challenge just write a simple love note to someone you love today... a friend, a sister, a brother, a mother, a father, a wife, a husband, or a child just a loved one let them know how much you love them.

(on Monday I dedicated the day to my husband with just spending time with him since he slept in again and missed school the reason for no blog on Monday) 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Quote of the day and A Scripture

Ether 12:27

27  And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

"As we look into the mirror at the
accumulation of bumps and bruises
that evidence our weaknesses,
may we be reminded that
there are two great stabilizing forces
that can anchor our souls."
-Stephen D. Naduauld

Check out this article

What Makes A Mom

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby is not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
with all the other children and say

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
until your lesson's through.
and on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realize,
you are a Mother
until their time is done.
they'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Written by: Jennifer Wasik

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I saw teardrops

 Daddy and I were talking to Uncle C about calling the mortuary so that they could come and get you.  When I looked down at you there was a little teardrop coming out of your eye.  I foolishly wiped it away because I thought it was one of mine.  But than after wiping it away I saw another one come.  I knew that you were not ready to leave your mommy and daddy.  I told daddy you weren't ready to leave yet.  Than later on that evening when Aunt D came by to drop off the dinner she made for us.  I was holding you in my arms and when D was laughing and talking to us.  I got a whisper of saying YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN LET ME GO NOW AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY MOMMY.  So when D left I told daddy we can do this.  We told the nurse and the nurse called and found out that they were having problems with not having space so they said they were going to keep you in the hospital.  That is why I got to write a letter to you at the hospital because you were in my arms that morning and I just started writing everything I wanted you to know about your family.  I will never forget writing our letter.  There was laughter in the letter and than there was the heartbreak of the story (that I just told everyone excluding the viewing/graveside) but you came and held me and said mommy I love you so much and I will always be here.  I feel so much love from you and you know that I love you so much. 

Quote of the day

"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us."
-John H. Groberg

   The strength of the Love our Heavenly Father is truly amazing.  It has given me the strength to see how much love is surrounded by us daily.  I see newly newly wed couples have a sparkle in their eye.  I see little kids running around with a sparkle in their eye because the love they feel at home.  I see friends and family grow love when something happens to a family member may it be just a new baby born, a wedding, the hearing of someone has cancer, or death.  I ask that you look around and see all the love that is surrounding you, and see the love that our Heavenly Father has for you in your daily life.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Graveside for our Daughter

After my sobbing into my dads shoulder our family went on our first limo ride to the cemetery not the first place I would want to go in a limo.  On the way there I held on to my daughters bed wishing that it was a infant car seat instead of something that will go into the ground.  We got to the cemetery I said my last private goodbye to her I let her know how much she is loved by her dad and I and all of her family.  I got out of the limo and started the walk over to the chair that was right in front of her grave.  My daughter is buried in my moms plot so she will be standing on my moms shoulders.  I love that she will be with my mom.  I kept my sunglasses on.  I felt like I was a movie star you know when everyone is wondering who it is that is hiding their face.  But this time I was hiding my face to cover all the tears that were in my eyes.  I was sad and broken.  It was a beautiful graveside.  My little angel got to hear from all of her grandparents and her aunt B.  My friend who is so kind prepared a song for us on her cello.  I held onto my little nephew R and just rubbed his back thinking one day we will have our children with us again.  My nephew finally fell asleep on our lap and we just sat there with the love of my siblings surrounding us.  It was simply the best for my daughter to celebrate her life with us.  I couldn’t stay to watch her get lowered into the ground my husband and I went with our friend to the luncheon and I waited as my family helped my daughters body into the ground.  We Love Our Little Angel L And We Miss Her Every Day!!!

Alma 40:23

23: The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea,, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.

So until that day were going to remember how perfect our daughter was and we can wait until we meet again!

Quote of the day

"Even though our journey may be
fraught with tribulation, the destination
is truly glorious."
-Quentin L. Cook

I'm ready to do anything for my journey of this life so that I can have a truly glorious destination.  Life is full of up and downs.  One of the downs in life is learning someone who is close to you finds out that they have breast cancer.  But than I have another up my best friend J's little sister E is getting married in the temple and she waited for her missionary like I did for my husband.  So you get to see that life is all important no matter what and we are still on the same journey but we will be blessed by everything we do in this life.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Our Daughters Viewing

(long one sorry)
I have to tell about the stuff no one wants to hear I know it sucks.   The night before my daughters funeral I was moving to be closer to my hubby for some cuddles before going to sleep when I was in the process my milk came.  That was painful and a slap in the face to me like another reminder that my daughter wasn't with us.  I was okay until I woke up and I was in pain.  My friend B was coming over to do my hair for me.  So she came over and we got my mind off of the pain by just talking.  My friend also helped me and I thank her with all my heart helped me get ready she helped me put on the dress.  It is one of those wrap around dresses and oh my I didn't really know how to put it on.  So she helped me into my dress.  My mom and sister came over right as we were leaving the bedroom.  My sister was here to do my makeup for me.  Yes, I was a little pampered and didn't have to worry about doing the whole getting ready for the day.  I just got to sit and think about the day ahead of me.  My mom however was there to help me get over the pain of the milk.  I was given so many things that everyone was joking that I was a pill popper.  To this day I cannot even remember what was given to me.  I know that the lora tab was given to me and also the other magic pill we called it the happy pill it was given to me whenever I started to get angry at people.  So we finished getting ready.  We than drove to the mortuary where we were going to have the viewing.  I was thinking I just want to see my daughter I want to soak up time with her.  I of course got stopped by the people out in front who couldn't stay longer and wanted to give me their blessing which I'm grateful for.  But I was on my way to be able to see my daughter when I got bombarded by others wanting me to do other little random tasks I finally broke out of my daze and just said "I just want to see my daughter let me go see her."  I than raced over to my daughter and gave her a kiss on the forehead and said mommy is here.  I stood by her side the entire time I didn't leave it she looked like an angel in her pretty white dress.  I knew she was with us and telling us how much she loved us and she didn't want us to be in pain.  My daughter kept me strong when everyone was giving me hugs and telling me how sorry they were.  My cousin J than came up to me and his eyes were already swollen he was the first this year to give my grandma another great grandchild my sister had the second so June, July, and August I was August.  My cousin J and his wife were scared that they were going to loose the baby but it didn't happen.  He walked up to me and gave me the biggest hug and said I wish that this would of never happened I said me too and we just cried.  (I love the men in my family because they not afraid to let the tears stream their face)  I was doing okay than it came time to give the family prayer (in our religion we say a family prayer in a circle before we say our earthly goodbyes) my dad gave the family prayer in the hospital before she went to the mortuary (which gave us the greatest comfort to be able to let our daughter go).  My dad than gave the family prayer again and it was just as beautiful.  I said my earthly goodbye to my daughter I whispered my little saying to her.  My dad than grabbed me and held on to me when I sobbed as my heart was breaking because that was the last time I got to kiss my sweet angel goodbye before I see her again in the eternities.

Quote of the day

"As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. We have much reason to hope. Joy can be ours if we are willing to sacrifice all for the Lord. Then we can look forward to the priceless possibility of overcoming all the challenges of this life. Then we will be with the Savior forever."
 - James E. Faust

   I had a good day today I had a little bit of a break down I'm not going to lie.  My husband and I had friends over for a game night.  We got good news that a couple in our ward is trying to rent out their basement apartment because we need to move long story no need to tell.  I have been really excited about going and seeing the apartment because I would love to be able to live in the same city as my family and friends.  Well we were playing games laughing and carry on and such as friends do.  When we got around to us talking about my husband and I being together for the next 50 years.  I piped in and said that I don't expect anything anymore.  The tears came and I had a good little cry all by myself.  (If you are ever in a crowded room and if  it is to noisy just start crying it makes people shut up in a heartbeat)  I didn't stay as strong as I normally do in front of my friends.  I am human and I know that the Lord is with us and watches over us.  I know that my friends love us and they care about us.  They were not also planning for me to break down and cry so to all my friends who are reading my blog.  Thank you for letting me show you that I'm still a human being and have weaknesses and that the Lord does bless my life and gives me the comfort and strength to remember that our little angel is up with Him and cheering us on to the finish line.  Thank you for the little reminder you are the best friends that anyone can have even if I have to put on a little embarrassing display of crying.  (sorry that I had to blog about what happened but it is the little moments like these that I want to remember it is also how I deal with mourning is by writing and that is why I wrote my daughter a letter)

So for the quote of the day I"m going to strive to walk in Faith live with seeing Joy in daily situations.  Hopefully overcome the challenge of loosing my daughter so that I will be able to live with the Savior and my husband, and all my kids forever.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Quote of the day

"I testify that the tender mercies
of the Lord are available to all of us and
that the Redeemer of Israel is eager 
to bestow such gifts upon us."
-Elder David A. Bednar

I believe that my daughter was a tender mercy from the Lord.  I believe the time He gave to me was a tender mercy and that I'm so grateful for.  I also believe that He gave me this trial so that I could tell my story of my daughter and how much I hurt but at the same time let people know about the strength the Lord is giving me.

preparing for our daughters funeral

The two days that were leading up to my daughters funeral.  Were hard I cannot lie I was doing everything that I never wanted to do in my life.  I never wanted to pick out a casket for my daughter.  So I picked out a bed for her just to rest in until we could meet again.  After picking out her bed.  My mom took me shopping for the dress to wear for my daughters viewing/graveside.  My mom and I went and picked up my husband we spared him from the shopping trip.  After picking him up we went back to the mortuary and dressed our daughter for the last time.  We rubbed Burts Bee lotion on to her so that she could be our little Burt Bees baby.  I explained to her everything that I put on her so that she would know that the dress came from her grandparents.  I explained to her about the bracelets that we both received from the grandparents.  I explained to her how this would be our connection.  We buried her on a warm August day.

Quote of the day

I went onto today just to copy and paste the website perfectly so that it would work on the blog as a direct link.  Of course when you get on you can't help looking at all the wonderful messages they have on there.  Well today this quote was on here and it made me think how wonderful our church is to be able to hear from the prophets and apostles and know that the Lord is speaking through them.  I have a strong testimony in the prophet and apostles.

"We cannot see the
future with precision,
but we can know what
the Lord intends and
what it will take [for]
each of us to qualify
personally to 
-Henry B. Eyring

Monday, January 17, 2011

I wrote my daughter a letter

I wrote my daughter a letter.  I wrote my daughter a letter about all of the hopes and dreams we had for her.  I wrote to her about her family.  I wrote about how her mommy and daddy had fallen in love.  I wrote to her about her aunts and uncles and cousins.  I wrote about how much we loved her and all the special times we had together during the 9 months.  I wrote to her about the hard time also.  I told her about how it was to deliver her.  I wrote to her telling her that she needed to hold my hand and help me through the next couple of days.  This letter is a special letter for me, my husband and my family.  I told her the little jokes that we had with her in the hospital.  I told the story of her life what she loved to have me eat.  My little girl loved sugar I would walk down the candy aisle and pick out all the fruity candy and jolly ranchers.  How she loved the fruity candy and hated chocolate it would always give me heartburn when I ate it.  I told her about the love of watermelon with salt on it so it would bring out more flavor I ate so much watermelon with her.  We had a love affair with sugar and loved it so much.  My daughter is now known as my "sweet" angel.



One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand.  There was only one set of footprints in the sand.  There was only one set of footprints.  I realized that this was the lowest and saddest times of my life.

This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints.  I just don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love You and will never leave You never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of Footprints it was then that I carried you.”
-Margaret F. Powers

I have always loved this poem it would just make my little spirit get all tingly inside and I love that feeling.  I think I have gained my strength from our Heavenly Father He loves me so much and during this trying time He is carrying me.  He has not forgotten about me.  He knows that my little heart broke after loosing my daughter and He has been here helping me get my strength to pick it up. 

Go Me!!

 I thought about it and I typed in LDS stillbirth blogs... guess what I found a blog that is dedicated to mormon mommies.  Yeah I'm that smart well anyways they cover a lot of topics so go check them out the blog button is on my page.  Anyways after looking at this blog in a deeper chance I saw they don't have any blogs about LDS mommies with stillbirth babies.  This had sadden me but also lets me know that this blog seems to be more needed in hopes that it will help someone.  For one of my best friends J it gives some blogs about infertility and they are LDS mommies.  Well anyways they did do a little post on miscarriages and I found it a nice read so you can go check out the article at this blog.

My views on Heavenly Father is that He wouldn't want His children to hurt so why would He send me a precious baby and not let me be the mommy miscarriage or stillbirth baby.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

After she was born

“ I have never asked why but rather what is that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, Not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties.”
-Richard G. Scott

After she was born I got to bath my daughter after we held her and loved her.  My parents and my husbands mom was there.  They got to hold her and love on her.  My parents took the pictures of her before she got her bath.  We got to see her little spirit shine through her body.  My daughter was so special you could feel how strong and amazing she was.  We had a photographer come and take the moldings of the hands and feet of our daughter and take pictures of her.  After I bathed her.  I was a mommy that didn’t know what outfit she wanted to bring her baby home in.  So in the hospital bag she had one outfit, gowns, and onsies.  I was a happy mommy when I remembered how many outfits I had for my little girl.  My little girls first outfit was a little yellow dress that had rainbows all over the dress.  My best friend J had given me that outfit for my daughter.  I think she knew that it was meant to be my daughters.  This little yellow dress was made for her.  My little daughter glowed in the outfit and that is the outfit that she met all of her family in.   My friends got to come and meet her and hold her.  My best friend J came and took pictures of my little girl.  It was a day to never forget.  So whenever I see a rainbow I know that it is a reminder of the love of my daughter.

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her, ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after it’s resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit….”
-Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, 177

Saturday, January 15, 2011

My Angel

An Angel from the book of life
Wrote down my baby’s birth,
And whispered as she closed the book
To Beautiful for earth

My little girl was born.

My little girl was born.  I didn’t get to hear her cry or see her take a breath of air.  I got to hold her.  I got to name my Angel.  My Angel that I had seen before.  My little girl was STILL BORN.  I felt so much life in that room she wasn’t alive but I could still feel her spirit in that room.  Our little girl was happy to be with both of her parents.  Daddy was in love but afraid of holding her.  Mommy was in love and just wanted to soak up the time I got to be with her.  Daddy after watching Mommy show their little girl how much she loved her Daddy held her.  Mommy watched as Daddy’s face changed again this time she watched as the Love poured out over his face.  As he were holding his daughter after waiting the 9 months to be able to hold his baby.  We got to spend almost two amazing days with her.  The Savior promised me time if I stayed Strong.  I stayed strong during the delivery and he blessed me with the two days.  Now I have to stay strong now for the promise of more time with her in the eternities.

Friday, January 14, 2011

I would almost be asleep.

I would almost be asleep.  It is now time for me to tell you the affects drugs have on me.  While my husband was on his LDS mission I waited for him. I had a root canal on the tooth right next to my front teeth the dentist gave me Lora tab or however you spell it.  I would only take a half on one and it would have me knocked out until the next day when I would take one.  I would take it at bedtime so I could sleep through out the night.  It helped me all the next day.  Co-workers told me never to get on drugs because they could tell. Your thinking that is just Lora tab that affects everyone.  I’m the girl who takes a Tylenol and it knocks me out.  Let’s not talk about ibuprofen that is worse. Well back on to the story.

The morphine only affected me in between contractions I would get rest and I would almost be asleep.  Than a contraction would happen. And we would go through the whole ordeal again my husband begging me to breathe.  During this time of not having the epidural and just morphine.  I was so ANGRY with our Heavenly Father I couldn’t’ believe He was doing this to me.  He let me carry her for the 9 months and than did this to me.  I was hurt I wanted to yell and scream but I couldn’t because I was in so much pain.  I finally got the epidural.  Life was starting to go a little better.  Because of how drugs affect me I had one contraction when the epidural was given and than I didn’t feel any pain.  They were shocked that it worked this fast.  So while I got my epidural they started the hormone that induces labor I was already at a 5 (the number again) by the time I got the epidural.  It just turned into a waiting game of when I would have to deliver.  During that time I was comforted by our Savior.  He reminded me of His promise.  He told me that she would be my daughter for all eternity and that I would get to spend time with her if I stayed strong.  He reminded me that He had felt my pain when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Right than our Heavenly Father was forgiven I wasn’t angry anymore.  I stayed strong and at 12:49am on August 23, 2010 My little girl was born.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

My mom made the decision for me

My mom made the decision for me.  This is a side story that is needed.  My parents had me make a hard decision about our family dog when I was in High School they asked me after our dog was poisoned if we should take her home and just nurse her in hopes that she would get healthy again or if we should just put her to sleep.  I made the decision to put our dog to sleep.  It was one of the hardest decisions I would ever make and I knew in my heart that one day I would be able to count on my parents when I needed to make a decision that I couldn’t handle. Well back on to the story.

 My mom made the decision for me.  My mom told me and whispered in my ear that I needed to be induced than she told the Dr.  So that is what I was going to do.  I started walking to the Labor and Delivery Room and while I was walking my ANGER was swelling up inside me.  We got to room number 5 (if you have ever seen the movie Where the Heart is the number 5 is a bad number for the main character) that is how I remember my room number.  My contractions were starting to turn into the beast inside of me.  I was so upset with having to feel the pain of a contraction and with the outcome of a dead baby.  No reward in the end.  They gave me morphine to reduce the pain while I waited for the epidural.  The person that administers the epidural was in a emergency C-section and couldn’t leave the room.  I wasn’t breathing when the contractions came.  I was so angry that I didn’t even care if I hyperventilated.  My husband sat at my side begging me to breathe.  I breathed for him.  The morphine only affected me in between contractions I would get rest and I would almost be asleep.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I was going to deliver a still born.

I was going to deliver a still born.  Let me tell you about the third trimester really quickly.  Every pregnancy book tells you that you have to sign up for a birthing class so that is what we did we followed the pregnancy books advice.  So we signed up we went to every class they taught us how the baby comes pretty much the stuff you learn in High School.  We just learned more of the steps of Labor.  Oh yeah and they teach you how to breathe while your in labor.  No matter what the baby is going to come I really didn’t need to learn the steps of labor that is more for people who are wanting to know everything medically.  Well back on to the story.

Before they had told me I knew something wasn’t right so I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing.  My husband gave me a priesthood blessing and after they came back into the room I was told I was going to deliver a still born.  They told me I had three choices 1. Just wait until my doctor came back from out of town (side note: He told me I couldn’t have the baby over the weekend because he had to go to a medical conference good timing??) and they would give me a drug to stop the contractions and the laboring.  2.  I could be induced so that the labor would start faster.  And the last choice number 3.  I could get a C-section.  I thought about having a C-section because than I could maybe just maybe save my babies life.  My husband while they were explaining my choices was unaware of what was going on.  I was alone.  My husband was unaware because he received a phone call from my sister who heard that I was in labor and at the hospital and wanted to be there for me. My husband had to ask what was happening and why these choices were being told to me.  I got to watch as I was alone watch my husbands face break at the sound of the Dr. explaining to him that we had lost our little girl.  It was one of the hardest moments in my life.  I will never forget the look on my husbands face change so dramatically.  So after he had heard the choices and the news.  My parents came into the room.  I reached out for my mommy and told her the news SHES DEAD.  As my mom was holding me and trying to comfort me.  My mom made the decision for me.

I'm LDS or in other words Mormon.

I’m LDS or in other words Mormon.  I joke about this because Mormon is a person in The Book Of Mormon and he was a dude I’m however a dudette so I can’t be Mormon.  I’m a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS).  I believe that families are forever.  So I left you on a cliff hanger but I got to tell you this it is the new year so It has been awhile since this has happened to me and I’m not writing this Blog to get the pity me story.  I want to share my story and let everyone know that it is okay to talk about my daughter with me and ask questions about this experience.  I believe that my daughter has always been my guardian angel and I just got to meet her.  We get to raise her in the eternities and for right now she gets to help us grow so that we can come back to be with her and our little other little angel that was so special I got to spend 5 weeks with.  My husband and I are looking forward to those days of getting to be with our 2 little spirits

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Let me tell you are story

Let me tell you are story.  We were married in the LDS Mount Timpanogas Temple on May 22 of 2008.  After our first year of marriage we decided we should start our own little family.  So we started trying for a baby.  In July of 2009 we found out that we were pregnant we were so excited.  Than a week later our dreams of our baby died I went through a miscarriage.  We named our little baby and mourned over the loss of our baby.  A couple of months went by and one night I was crying to my husband I want a baby I want to be a mommy.  He said one day you will be and you are a mommy.  But I just cried because I wanted a baby.  So my husband said the next day maybe we should try again.  I was thrilled we get to try for another little spirit to come join our family.  Well it worked we found out in January that I was pregnant and the due date was going to be August 31, 2010.  I didn’t have a great start worrying about a miscarriage while my head was hanging over the toilet because of my morning sickness.  Everyone told me every time you throw up it just means the baby is healthy.  I didn’t complain about throwing up because I was so blessed to be pregnant again.  So then we got to the 2nd trimester no more worrying about miscarriages.  Pregnancy was a rough on me I got dehydrated twice and had to go to the hospital to get liquids pumped in me.  I couldn’t even keep water down.  I moved on over my morning sickness because my insurance decided finally that they would cover this pill that I needed.  I had lost 20 pounds by the time I got on the pill.  Not good for pregnancy.  So the 2nd trimester was nicer to me I wasn’t sleeping all the time.  The 3rd trimester was back to pretty much the 1st trimester again.  I started worrying a lot more about my baby.  I work with the mentally handicapped and I was just worried that something may happen where they would kick me in the belly and I would loose my baby.  They started to target me when they had behaviors.  Maybe because I was the one who shouldn’t be able to run away but I could.  Well I got over my panic attacks and knew nothing was going to be happening to my baby once I got off on FMLA.  Two days later my life changed.  I went into labor which was fine it was August 22 and I was told by my doctor that the baby would be here before the next appointment.  So we went to the hospital was in the room waiting to get checked in when that is when we learned the news.  I was going to deliver a Still born.  This is my story.