My daughter was a STILL BORN on August 23, 2010 and on August 25, 2010 I lost a cousin to cancer. I loved my cousin so much she lived in England when I lived in America. When I was 4 I think she came over to America to visit our family. I remember her singing the sound of music and twirling on the mountains that I see everyday. I got to go visit her when I was 17 in England I got to meet her three beautiful boys. I got to spend time with her and see her strength shine through a very hard time. Her sister told me about the time that they curled her hair. My cousin had this gorgeous red hair and her sister said that after curling her hair she looked like the lion off of Wizard of Oz. If I'm not mistaken the lion wanted courage. My cousin did have so much courage she was amazing I love her so much. She had the greatest laugh and the biggest smile. Today is her Birthday so I'm wishing her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY and hoping that my grandma J, grandpa B, my daughter L and my cousin and all my other family members are celebrating by having a big birthday party. So if I see any sparkles anywhere today I know where they will be coming from.
Nick: Here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'd have all the eggs we could eat. Fetcher: Right. We'll need a chicken, then. Nick: No... no, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first, that's where you get the chicken from. Fetcher: No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where are you going to get the egg? Nick: From the chicken that comes from the egg. Fetcher: Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. Nick: Yeah, but you've got to get the chicken first to get the egg, and then you get the egg... to get the chicken out of... Fetcher: Hang on, let's go over this again.
I thought I would share a laugh today... I hope everyone has a great day.
I don't know what to call this blog yet??? So I'm just going to begin typing and see where my fingers take me. I'm feeling inspired a month over due... ha ha. I really wanted to do this last month but life happens and so with life I couldn't really hang out on my blog for the time to get one typed in...
So my inspiration comes from a fellow blogger A Spoonful Of Sugar this fellow blogger the month of January did a post a day about what she was grateful for. I loved going and checking her blog everyday to see what she was grateful for. It helped me see that I have so much to grateful for also. I'm going to make the month of March my gratitude month. Everyday I'm going to post about something I'm grateful for that day. I hope that this fellow blogger doesn't mind that I'm taking her idea.
I just have to say this is the time of the month that I become a little reclusive to my hubby and my family and friends... I even become a little bit of a brat. I don't mean to. I go into my little hole because this is the hardest week of a month. This is the time that I think my little girl would be so old. But instead this is the time that I come down on myself and wish that I had my little baby with me and life is totally unfair. So if I have hurt anyone's feelings this last week or offended anyone it is because I'm just in pain and mourning for the loss of my little angel. I know that it has been a couple of months now and I should be doing better. I am I promise you that I am. It is just that I see so many things about babies everywhere and I just wish that my little girl was here so that I could make a cute blog about my baby and not have to write my tale of mourning. I feel like some people have just forgotten that I have gone through a major loss in my life and that I should be moved on and not care that a mommy of 23 had to put her little girl to rest in a cemetery and not bring her home to be with her...
This woman who is the same age amazes me. I started reading about her and following her a couple of months ago. Her story is a very sad story but her strength amazes me. I started reading her blog thinking this person amazes me. I see my color guard instructors post on Facebook about this blog because this girl was one of her many color guard girls and how the high school I went to is going to be doing a special get together for her family and friends. I was in shock I knew she looked familiar so I commented on my instructors post and told her that I had been following this blog. I got the comment you know her she was the girl who started with you and had to quit guard because that is when they found her first tumor. I have a bad bad memory. I started to think about it and yes I do remember her she was fun to be around.
All I can say is I hope you go read her blog and see how her strength is amazing. I would have to say she is one of my many hero's.
"There are those among you who, although young,
have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow.
My heart is filled with compassion and love for you.
How dear you are to the Church. How beloved you are of your Heavenly Father.
Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you.
Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us;
He promised me that this ring is just because he wants to see me happy. Over the next 3 months before B left on his LDS mission I would ask him all sorts of questions about the ring why he loved me and such...
Questions about the ring...
J: What if I find another guy and he makes me happy and decide to get married would it break your heart?
B: No, not if you are happy, that is all I want for you is to be happy and if your happy with this "other" guy than I would be happy for you.
J: What does this ring really mean?
B: Just what I told you when I gave it to you I want you to be happy... So if you do find someone else you want to marry and he makes you happy than I will be happy for you. J this is a ring that I'm giving to you so that you remember to be happy.
J: So not a promise ring for marriage???
B: If we happen to get married than we will.
Question about his love for me:
J: Why do you love me?
B: It's something that I can't express in words... it's the overwhelming sense of comfort and peace when I'm with you and my stomach turns every time I see your beauty...
J: I love you so much I hope that we will get married.
Those are just some of the things I would ask him and than write down I was girl who was going to be saying goodbye to her boyfriend for two years I needed to know his love for me that way if I did wait for him I had a reason to tell everyone why I was waiting.
B had left to go on his mission so began the longest two years of my life... my mom says that it had flown by. I don't believe her. I started a new job right before B left. Half of my friends wouldn't talk to me once B left. I felt like I had to start all over again with life. I met one of my many best friends and she was the friend that just got to hear some stories but hanging out with her my life didn't revolve around missing B as much. I moved back in with my parents I had a good two years. I didn't date anyone... I stayed faithful I was so in love with B we dated for 7 months before his mission but I was head over heels in love with him.
B came back from his mission and the first night back he had given me a soft little kiss. I was shocked. My friends and I were making guesses to how long it would be until he would kiss me and be comfortable around me again a girl. My guess was three weeks. Well it only took three weeks back after his mission to ask my dad and mom for permission to marry their youngest daughter me. I guessed how long it would be until we started talking about marriage not how long it would be until he kissed me. B proposed to me with a ring pop because the ring that he got me he couldn't hide it in his cute little treat basket. Ring pops have become on of our little favorite treats to get for each other we don't get them that much either so they still have their special magic in them. We got married in May 2008 and we are still so much in love since those August nights in 2005.
(I have been thinking that I should share the love story of hubby and I)
So I met someone last week and he is gorgeous. He has beautiful blue eyes and nice red hair. ...
This is the beginning of our whirlwind romance we met at work. I trained him at the job the first day he worked there. I was so nervous that day because my friend had set me up on a blind date because she really didn't know the guy she was going on a date with and wanted a friend there just to be a backup. I had a trust issue with boys in high school so I only went on one date in high school. I was just telling B that I was so nervous and I really didn't know if I should go. B piped in and said he would go. I thought he was joking this guy had just barely met me and he said that he would go with. I thought nothing of it. Than after work when I went to meet up with my blind date I saw my date and he was much older than me I was only 18 and he only had one tooth and looked like a hill billy. That is when I started scanning the parking lot hoping that this B guy was for real and he was going to be there. As I was walking to meet up with my friend and the men I saw B get out of his vehicle. I was so happy to see him. I did a mean thing but I was to young for my date. I ignored the whole entire group besides B. B had captured my attention and I was getting twitter-patted with him. I went home that night in a daze I really had liked B but I didn't really know how to act all girlie to keep a boy liking me. I had apparently made quite the impression on B because the next night we went to a store after work and talked to each other until 2am. Quickly we fell head over heels in love. A few short months later B had received his LDS mission call. I got a promise ring before he got his mission call. But instead of the promise to wait for him. When he gave me the ring this is what he promised me.
“We can begin to become more diligent and concerned
at home by telling the people
we love that we love them.
Such expressions do not need
to be flowery or lengthy.
We simply should sincerely and frequently express love.”
David A. Bednar
This is my favorite advice that I love to tell all the newlyweds that I go see in line at their reception on their wedding day. They need to remember to say I Love You daily to their spouse and make it a habit. My hubby and I say it everyday.
Challenge for today tell everyone that lives in your home how much you love them and show it!
Today is going to be a wonderful day! We are inviting hubby's side of the family over to see our new place and to have lunch together. I'm so happy that we were able to get all moved in before Monday. We are so grateful to my sister and her husband for letting us borrow their truck so that we could move over our weekend and on Saturday only have the furniture to move and the couple of boxes that were to heavy to carry ourselves. We are so grateful for the ward and all their help moving it is so nice when we have the Elders Quorum helping out. So hubby and I have been busy unpacking since last Tuesday and we are completely done. We even have the apartment decorated. Making it feel like home. I'm happy to say that we were able to keep some things out that were in our Daughters room and it is just such a good reminder. Even though that we moved she is still with us watching over us. Our little kitty cat has come to love this new place also (I think it is because there are a lot more hiding places for him this time). I just have to say this new place of ours has brought lots of happiness and laughter into our lives.
So the challenge for the day is to look around and see what brings laughter and smiles into your life!!!
I'm back and with that I have a lot of things to catch you up on...
We moved! Yay! We are pretty much unpacked for the most part... we may to hang up the clean laundry and put some other little random things away and than we are pretty much done. I'm happy/sad about our move. I'm happy because I love how big our new apartment is and I'm sad because I had to leave the apartment behind that I was going to be a mommy in. I had to leave behind the nursery. That day was kind of a hard day. I put it off as much as possible. I packed everything else I didn't want to take down everything I made for my daughter. I took an hour or so just to be able to remember everything and put away all the beautiful outfits that she had received from her family and our friends. I was surprised to see how much things we had for her and how that baby clothes are so tiny that it only took a big bin to put them all in. But the drawers are still full of baby things. There are some small things that I couldn't pack up and so I put them in a little basket and are going to be out where I can see them. I think this move will be kind of better for me to be able to help me carry on my life and not have a daily reminder about the room not being a baby room...
With this move my husband gets a man cave. He is so excited about that he gets the love seat in the second bedroom along with his little TV that he plays games in. We compromised with not having extra sitting so that we could go to IKEA and get a bookcase and a desk that attaches to it. This was a good compromise. I'm in love having a place to work on all my new projects. I also love that we have a place to sit and work me on my blog just to think and not have any distractions. Well maybe one our cat. I have a companion animal for my emotional disability (depression) there I said it. Plus our cat is more than welcome to live here. So here is to a new home and to new memories.
In the hassle of moving Valentines Day came. My husband and I just did a little gift exchange. Yes, I believe that this holiday is also a day to show not just the wife how much you love them but how much you love your husband. I also believe that this is a day to show your family how much you love them. So I made my husband a little gift basket full of red hots and other little random candies that had to all do with things that were HOT this was the theme of my basket and I found this idea here... The basket was to show that OUR LOVE IS RED HOT. I loved the idea I went to the dollar store to get all the treats and the basket. I also got ring pops for my hubby because that is how he proposed to me. My hubby got me a teddy bear and hoops & yoyo card I love those cards. We also went out to dinner just to be able sit down and not worry about having to look at our apartment full of mess. Here is the V-days love quote that I wanted to post but because I got busy I forgot.
"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of ones companion."
So my hubby and I are moving this week so hopefully next week I can start the blog back up...
I just wanted to share somethings that I have been working on not really no one wants to read and see pictures of cardboard boxes. My life is basically all packed up. We get the keys to our new place on Tuesday and I'm so EXCITED!!! (thank you to my best friend J and her mom we got the apartment... small world the landlord and her mom are best friends and they told us that is why we got the apartment)
I have been taking pictures of the nursery that we made for our daughter. It is the last room to be packed and I just want to sit in there and remember everything that I did for her.
Well I'm going to leave you with a story about the little toe...
My family all the girls have this toe... It is the pinky toe and so much smaller than the rest of them and it tucks behind the other toes. This is the only thing that I wanted this little girl to have is this toe. It is a special toe it connects all the girls in our family. I prayed and prayed for this toe. After I quickly named her before she was in my arms my husband says... "She has the Toe" my heart melt. I got my little girl and the toe. I asked for pictures of this toe. The photographer lifted the toe and put it on the other toe so that we could see it. I liked the picture but it didn't really show off how the toe is suppose to look like. So today while I was in the nursery taking pictures I did it. I grabbed the moldings of her feet and started taking pictures.
work... yeah that fun thing we all like to do that has been keeping me busy.
moving/cleaning/packing... yeah this has me stressed out a lot... the fact that I have a sick hubby :( and that I work at night and my room doesn't get any sunlight during the day on my days off it is hard for me to wake up to do this CHORE. The thing that has me the most stressed is that I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to leave my nursery but I know that it will have to be packed up but that is not what I wanted to do so soon.
Sorry for not keeping on track with my blog. I will try to get it going after the packing and the moving and we don't officially move until the 18th of February so I'm going to put my blog on hold while I move. Unless I really need to blog about my feelings of taking down the nursery :'(
I got a question asked to me today and the person asked me how come my daughter was a STILL BORN?
That was a very good question I never really explained why my daughter was a STILL BORN. I opted out for the autopsy of our daughter and so did my husband. We however did ask that they ran tests on the placenta they did. This is the answer I received It was a FREAK ACCIDENT this only happens very seldom. My daughter didn't have a knot in the umbilical cord. The doctors only answer was she must of laid on her umbilical cord cutting off everything she needed to survive. The placenta was extremely healthy. (I never took a prenatal vitamin because I would throw it back up)
This is my side of the story... The last time I felt my daughter move was on Saturday night I watched her as she kicked down her 6 week old cousin on to my legs so she wouldn't be near my belly when I was sitting down with her. I think my daughter was jealous of my niece because whenever I would hold my niece there would be a kicking storm happening. Saturday night I went to bed everything was fine I woke up at 1:00 in the morning thinking something was wrong but I blew it off because I just felt a contraction actually happening. Is that the time when I lost my little girl no one truly knows. Did a mother intuition kick in like I knew something had happened to my baby no not really. I do wonder what if... a lot. Especially since I wonder what the hospital would have done if I showed up and I wasn't really in Labor and all I could tell them is something isn't right would they have just sent me home saying strange pregnant lady she isn't even in active labor yet.
My sister has an interesting story about my niece I hope she doesn't my mind me sharing. When we called her to tell her what had happened. My niece struck a fever a pretty high fever like she needed to go to the hospital fever. The fever didn't break until my little girl was born.
My brothers girlfriend the one that also lost her son told me her story of that night today. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing either. This is hard for both of us because we are both mommies that have lost their little babies way to soon. She told me that when they heard the news she started cramping and spotting she was still in the first trimester at that time. They went to the doctor right after seeing and meeting our little girl. The doctor said it is most likely that she was going to miscarry. She stopped cramping and spotting it would happen every once in awhile and than it would just stop. When they went to another doctors appointment they were told that the placenta wasn't fully attached. A couple of weeks later her water broke. We were all in fear of having another still born baby. But by a little miracle there was enough amniotic fluid around the babies head enough to keep the baby alive. So she went on to bed rest. A couple weeks later she went into labor and delivered our nephew who proved to us that baby books are not always right with how big the baby is suppose to be every week. My nephew was 12 inches long when he should of only have been about 8 inches long also he was a pound and seven ounces. My little girl was there in the room to greet him.
My little girl had such a bigger purpose for us than we will ever know. My little girl is an Angel not just only to me and her daddy. I know my little girl was there for her cousin that night. I know my little girl was there for her cousin letting him come and let us meet him. and now my little girl is with my mom her grandma everyday letting us have a miracle with getting time to spend with my mom. Not only that but every person that met my daughter family, friends, nurses and whoever said wow she is so beautiful and I'm so glad that I get to hold this little angel in my arms.
The holidays have came and gone but this is my story of the first holiday with my daughter gone and I would love to share it. My life has been in a whirlwind I have told you about the big things that have happened to me. I got through the holidays but I did cry and especially at Christmas time. I wanted to be pregnant last Christmas and that was the only gift I wanted in ‘09. Quick background story about that Christmas. I was so excited for Christmas because if I had done my calculating right I was able to do the gross thing and find out if I was pregnant I woke up that morning and did my normal waking up routine you know put in contacts, brush my teeth use the bathroom. But that morning was different because I was so excited I did the gross thing first and than did the rest. Well before I could get to doing the gross thing I was already starting to be visited by mother nature. I just did my normal routine than hubby and I went to open Christmas gifts. We had opened everything than my husband pulls out another present I open it and it is a Wii I was excited don't get me wrong. But than I just started to cry for a second hubby thought I was excited about the Wii. I was but I was sad that the only Christmas gift I wanted didn't come true. A week later I found out that I was pregnant and my present really did happen. I planned Christmas in my head over and over again while I was pregnant than I blocked out all the ideas in September, October, and November. In December one plan happened that I had not wanted to happen. My nephew was buried right next to my daughter and they sang him a Christmas song I cried non-stop my heart was breaking again for my daughter and for my brothers son. That was the hardest part of Christmas. We went to her grave decorated it on Christmas Eve we gave her a small live Christmas Tree with a stocking. It made my heart hurt that I had to celebrate Christmas that way with her instead of watching her enjoy the lights on Christmas. I love my little angel and I’m glad that she got to spend her Christmas with Our Savior.
"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart."
— Gordon B. Hinckley
I loved listening to Gordon B. Hinckley and knowing that he is a true prophet. I cried the day that he died. It was the first real time that I remember a prophet dying. It saddened my heart but I'm so truly for his wonderful counsel that he had given us. So for today just remember this wonderful quote and smile because you know that we are blessed being able to hear the counsel from the Lord through his Prophets.
Hubby and my friends tonight all went bowling tonight. My best friend J came to help me pack so I wasn't all alone in the cleaning and the packing while my hubby was at school. My hubby got home and started his homework right away. So after a long day of schooling, cleaning, and packing my friend J and her husband J (JJ that is what I will call them) they asked if we would like to go bowling. Hubby said yes and we went to enjoy the night. Hubby showed off his cool skills of spinning and curving the ball. However I liked to hit the far right one. Yep that is me J's Husband also has the same skills as my hubby. It was fun to watch how they do these skills. It was lots of fun and worth going bowling and getting to spend time with friends after a long day.
I thought I would share one of my favorite comic strips. I can laugh for hours reading Calvin and Hobbes but today I have to go pack and clean our apartment and I'm pretty much feeling like Calvin I would rather be enjoying my imagination than having to clean...
It has been 5 months since the day our daughter was still born and my heart still mourns for my little girl. My little girl was perfect she was absolutely perfect. I wish sometimes wish that I could still have her to see her beauty develop. But than I remember that this was part of God’s plan and that we will one day see her beauty. My life has been a roller coaster these last months. My brother lost his son. His son was premature by 15 weeks my little nephew put up a good fight but Heavenly Father also wanted him back. (roller coaster) Inside I feel as my daughter was lonely seeing all her cousins down here on earth and was getting lonely so she now has a cousin to play with. I know she was right there waiting for him when he returned.
My daughter influenced my life for the short time that she was here with me. I had a photographer come to the Hospital and take pictures of my daughter and that is what I want to do and offer my service to other families. I just got a DSLR camera and I’m just learning how to use it. It makes my days seem not so boring now. I pull out my camera and go on an adventure to find a great picture to take. My husband is busy with school and I envy him. I wish that I could go to school and have my mind on other things for the couple of hours he is at school. My dream and I hope becomes a reality soon is that I will be able to take an online course of photography. I think if I stayed busy with a photography course online I wouldn’t have as much free time to think about my daughter. Its not because I don’t like thinking about my daughter it just makes my heart hurt. I know in my heart that my daughter would not want me to be sad for her but instead be happy for her. I know that my daughter is up in Heaven with family that loves her and family is telling stories to her about her mom and dad. I know that she is giggling at the stories. I know that she is my little guardian angel and she is always here to comfort me when I need it. So I’m not trying to forget about my little girl but I’m trying to carry on like she would want me to.
"The Savior's invitation is clear and direct, and importantly for us, it is constant: 'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden. . . . Take my yoke upon you, . . . for . . . my burden is light' (Matthew 11:28-30). This is the Lord's promise to me and to you.
"My prayer for each of us is that we will remember when the Lord has spoken His peace to us and has encircled us in the arms of His love. And just as important, will you, if you haven't felt that love for a while, seek to see it and feel it as you go about the ordinary tasks of your life. As you do this, over the days and months and years of your life, the memories of those interactions with the Lord will become sweet gifts to open a second time--or many times--to bolster you when life is difficult.
" 'Peace I give unto you,' the Lord promises, 'not as the world giveth, give I unto you' (John 14:27). Peace. Strength. It is what we long for and what is possible. We only need to turn toward His reaching arms."
I thought going back to work would be a blessing in some ways and in other ways the worst part of all. I went back a week early because I thought that is when I was suppose to return luckily after telling everyone that my daughter was a STILL BORN the person in charge told me that I didn’t have to be back to work until the next week and asked me if I wanted to go home. I was crying and said yes. I see it as a blessing from my daughter she knew I was in pain. She knew that I wanted to go home and just be able to cry. When I got home my dear best friend was able to come and hangout with me for awhile. I stayed up a little bit more after she went home and when I went to bed I realized my hubby wasn’t going to be there to hold me while I drifted off to sleep. I eventually fell asleep but in the back of mind I was feeling all alone. So I turned for my comfort I started sleeping with the blanket my daughters blanket that she was wrapped up in after she had her bath. I found great comfort in that. So yes I sleep with a blankee like I’m a little girl again. That weekend I went over and spent the nights with my sister her husband was out of town and I got to be her little sis. My family is the best support system that I have and I’m so grateful for them. So I returned back to work and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be after I told everyone the news the week prior. My boss came and talked to me about how she mourned the loss of my daughter and she mourned for the pain my mom had to be going through because she also lost a grandchild and her heart broke for her son. I had my strength. I carried pictures of her in my work bag. I read a lot to pass the time.