Missing...

My little Angel L is missed more than ever lately I look at her baby sister and I see the same nose and cheeks.  I do wonder why I couldn't have the chance to watch my little angel L grow up.  I have told little miss Z (baby sister) about her older sister but I think that little miss Z is telling me a lot more about her sister.  My friend told me that her little cousin said when babies are talking they are telling us about heaven.  I believe it I think miss Z is telling me all about her big sister.  It was fun to see little miss Z get up to 6 pounds 6 ounces and see how truly much they look like sisters.

I love my little angel L and I do miss her when I'm reading GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU to her little sister I cry every time I get to the last page.  My heart hurts every time because I wish I could be reading it to a little walking baby and to little miss Z.  I know that I am though because I know our angel is watching out for her little sister and for her family.

plans change

The changing of plans.  I had all these plans in my mind.  I had a plan for when my baby was born.  Yes, a good old plan and how they change.  My plan was going to be me staying at home with the baby for a month and than going back to work for a month and than quit to be a stay at home mommy.  I was so excited about becoming a mommy and quitting my job.  I have been at my job for almost 5 years and I was ready to start something new.  My husband was going to take his month off when I went back to work to be with the baby we work the same shift and so we thought it would be best if we took care of her instead of having someone else watching a newborn at night.  Well that plan changed.  I had a hard couple of weeks I’m not going to sugar coat it.  I was upset with our Heavenly Father I wanted to be a mommy and take care of my child.  I didn’t want to be the one that everyone had to worry about and take care of.

  We went to church not the Sunday after but the next Sunday.  I ran out of the chapel crying right at the beginning of Sacrament.  There was a baby blessing that was going to be happening that day.  I just remember getting up and walking as fast as I can out the door of the chapel.  I was crying so hard I was thinking this is unfair.  I should have been blessing my child with her name and not having to listen as her grandfather dedicated the grave.  I was sitting on the steps outside of the church just sobbing.  My husband sitting next to me saying I know it hurts.  I just kept looking down at my scriptures and praying that I could get the strength to walk back in and enjoy feeling the spirit.  My husband sat by me and just let me cry during those minutes of me praying for strength.  I got the strength to go back into church but it was after the baby blessing.  We didn’t go back into the chapel instead we sat on the couches received the sacrament.  We didn’t enter the chapel when everyone when in to sit down.  We sat on the couches and than there was a young mom out there with one of her sons and I was just sitting there watching.  I knew that her husband was in the chapel just sitting and waiting for them to return to be with them.  I thought in my mind my little girl is just sitting up there waiting for me knowing that I will be with her in just a short time but for her mommy it just seems like a long time.  I know that when I wait for someone it seems like an eternity before they return but I always know that they will return to be with me.  I wonder if it is the same way for my daughter.

A start of a new Life

My husband had to start school at BYU the Monday after she was born so a week later.  Instead of taking his month off later in the semester as he planned he got to take the month off with me.  We had a great month together.  We spent so much time with each other and we weren’t cranky due to the sleeping schedules we have.  It felt like we were dating again but better because we got to go home and we didn’t have to go to work.  We went on a lunch date up Provo Canyon.  We went out to the movies.  We went out to a nice dinner.  We spent so much time talking and talking about our daughter and thinking how lucky we are to be her parents.  We didn’t have the stress of hoping that are daughter makes it into the Celestial Kingdom.  Instead we have the stress of that to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  We held on to each other and just let our love help us through this pain that we were feeling.  Life for my husband was hard every class that he was taking had to mention something to do with family and how the greatest joy is having children.  It hurt him.  He was a father but just without his little girl.  I was at home while he was at school.  I would wake up in the morning go into the living room and turn on the TV I don’t remember what I watched but I would see that at 4 in the afternoon that I had not moved and I just would feel disappointment because I didn’t do anything to help out while he was away at school.  I would hurry and get up and try to find the strength to clean some things up or just try to cook a meal.  I cried over the loss of the plans I had for me.  I knew I was going to be busy after my daughter was born that I would be having to take care of her.  I never knew that I was going to have a STILL BORN and those plans would not exist.  I was having a hard time on the days that he had to be gone until 8 or 9 at night.