counting blessings

I haven't been blogging much and I'm sorry for that I have been working on a project instead and I'm happy to say it is finally complete.  Have you heard of shutterfly it is a website where you can make books, cards, get prints and more.  Well my hubs computer died in February the week we were moving perfect timing and he needed one for school.  We went to get him a new computer and with the new computer shutterfly for a promo added to his computer package to get a free 8x8 book.  That was in February I know and it is now the end of May.  For the free book I have been making a scrapbook for our daughter.  It has been one BIG project and I'm so happy that I got it complete.  The one downside to this website is the text box.   You can't hit copy and paste.  I wrote my daughter a letter while I was in the hospital with her and I wanted to add it I already had it typed up it was 6 pages single space and I couldn't copy and paste.  I also had to go through and shorten some of the letter.  I have been working on typing that up and than going through it over and over to make sure there were no little mistakes.
  Along with that project I planned one of my best friends baby shower.  It was fun to give my friend that shower and to see the happiness on her face.  It was lots of fun.  This month has been full of the ups and full of the downs.  The Saturday before Mothers day a local venue let the families that have angel babies come and walk around the gardens.  I went with my mom, sister and her baby.  It was a nice day and it was fun to be out with them.  I work midnights so that night is when it really really hit me.  I missed my little girl more than anything.  All I could think about is how big she would be, if she would love to cuddle and give kisses.  My hubby also was missing her so we both had a cry that morning for our daughter.  It was a hard holiday to go through.  We went and saw our moms and gave them flowers.  My hubby gave me a necklace with the birthstone of our daughters birth month.
  Memorial day is today and lets just say Mothers day feelings are coming back.  Memorial day has always been a go put some flowers on Grandpa's grave than get together with families.  This year we have flowers to buy for 3 graves and my heart is hurting.  I never thought I would have to go put flowers on a grave for my daughter.  I never thought I would have to get flowers for a nephew who is up in heaven with my daughter.  My heart is aching today.

Why I write...

I have been posting saying that I will write more of my story.  When I was talking to my hubby about how I don't know what to post about.  In the conversation with my hubby he said you write when you are in pain and this is how you deal with grieving.  I can say that is true whenever something big happens to me I either sleep so that I can't remember the details or I write every little thing that I can think of down.  I prefer the second choice I would rather be able to write and share my memories than just bury them and forget about them.


I have been thinking about what stories I would like to share about my daughter.  I have racked my brain over over and over again but I can't think of anything.  I have shared so many memories about my daughter and our story.  All the other stories I could tell are personal to my hubby and me.

I'm going to be writing more and more about my daily living and how I am starting to live again.  My days have turned into looking for something I can have joy about and not pity me party.  Even though I am having hard times falling asleep and than getting out of bed.  Some days I just think I will stay in bed and not get out.  After a couple of minutes of petting our cat I get out of bed.  I feel like if I stay in bed I'm letting my daughter down I know that she wants me to live and enjoy life. 

I have a fear

  I have a new fear in my life to add to my collection of fears.  I already have a fear over snakes, mice, and worms.  Yes, I know worms who is afraid of worms I am.  But my new fear that is being added to the list and this is the one that scares me the most.  What if I already had the chances of becoming a mom and I will never be able to be a mom again.  This one has made the top of the list.  I'm scared that was going to be the only chance that my husband and I had to becoming parents.  I never complained about my pregnancy symptoms and I had a ton I could of complained about but I never did.  I just took everything as it came even when my head was in the toilet bowl or when I had an IV in me giving me fluid so that I could become hydrated again.  I wonder why I have to learn this lesson it is a hard lesson to learn.  I want to know why I said give me this trial I want it give it to me.  I would of rather been like my co-worker who stood in line for a small bladder and having to use the bathroom every 15 minutes instead of standing in the line of broken hearts.  I know this is a big lesson for me to learn and I'm not going to learn it right away that it is going to take time to heal my heart and there will be always be a little piece missing.  I know that my Heavenly Father and my daughter wrap their arms around me to give me the strength to live my daily life.  So for today I'm going to pray for that comfort to be with me so I don't cry all day long and can see the good in life.  

Laughter the Best kind of Medicine

"The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed."
  Sabastein-Roch Nicolas Chamfort - Quote Book

    Today is going to be a wonderful day!  We are inviting hubby's side of the family over to see our new place and to have lunch together.  I'm so happy that we were able to get all moved in before Monday.  We are so grateful to my sister and her husband for letting us borrow their truck so that we could move over our weekend and on Saturday only have the furniture to move and the couple of boxes that were to heavy to carry ourselves.  We are so grateful for the ward and all their help moving it is so nice when we have the Elders Quorum helping out.  So hubby and I have been busy unpacking since last Tuesday and we are completely done.  We even have the apartment decorated.  Making it feel like home.  I'm happy to say that we were able to keep some things out that were in our Daughters room and it is just such a good reminder.  Even though that we moved she is still with us watching over us.  Our little kitty cat has come to love this new place also (I think it is because there are a lot more hiding places for him this time).  I just have to say this new place of ours has brought lots of happiness and laughter into our lives.

So the challenge for the day is to look around and see what brings laughter and smiles into your life!!!

(and for the Americans Happy Presidents Day!!!) 

Enjoyin' the small things in life

Hubby and my friends tonight all went bowling tonight.  My best friend J came to help me pack so I wasn't all alone in the cleaning and the packing while my hubby was at school.  My hubby got home and started his homework right away.  So after a long day of schooling, cleaning, and packing my friend J and her husband J (JJ that is what I will call them) they asked if we would like to go bowling.  Hubby said yes and we went to enjoy the night.  Hubby showed off his cool skills of spinning and curving the ball.  However I liked to hit the far right one.  Yep that is me J's Husband also has the same skills as my hubby.  It was fun to watch how they do these skills.  It was lots of fun and worth going bowling and getting to spend time with friends after a long day.

Enjoyin' the small things in life

As of today I look for the positive things in life daily.  I do still miss my daughter.  I miss not being able to go into the baby section and look at little outfits for my little girl.  But than I turn and see the smile on my cousin T's face and see how she is glowing with the love of her little baby bump.

As for today I'm going to go enjoy myself at a certain BYU Basketball game.