My story


I was going to deliver a still born.

I was going to deliver a still born.  Let me tell you about the third trimester really quickly.  Every pregnancy book tells you that you have to sign up for a birthing class so that is what we did we followed the pregnancy books advice.  So we signed up we went to every class they taught us how the baby comes pretty much the stuff you learn in High School.  We just learned more of the steps of Labor.  Oh yeah and they teach you how to breathe while your in labor.  No matter what the baby is going to come I really didn’t need to learn the steps of labor that is more for people who are wanting to know everything medically.  Well back on to the story.

Before they had told me I knew something wasn’t right so I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing.  My husband gave me a priesthood blessing and after they came back into the room I was told I was going to deliver a still born.  They told me I had three choices 1. Just wait until my doctor came back from out of town (side note: He told me I couldn’t have the baby over the weekend because he had to go to a medical conference good timing??) and they would give me a drug to stop the contractions and the laboring.  2.  I could be induced so that the labor would start faster.  And the last choice number 3.  I could get a C-section.  I thought about having a C-section because than I could maybe just maybe save my babies life.  My husband while they were explaining my choices was unaware of what was going on.  I was alone.  My husband was unaware because he received a phone call from my sister who heard that I was in labor and at the hospital and wanted to be there for me. My husband had to ask what was happening and why these choices were being told to me.  I got to watch as I was alone watch my husbands face break at the sound of the Dr. explaining to him that we had lost our little girl.  It was one of the hardest moments in my life.  I will never forget the look on my husbands face change so dramatically.  So after he had heard the choices and the news.  My parents came into the room.  I reached out for my mommy and told her the news SHES DEAD.  As my mom was holding me and trying to comfort me.  My mom made the decision for me.

My mom made the decision for me

My mom made the decision for me.  This is a side story that is needed.  My parents had me make a hard decision about our family dog when I was in High School they asked me after our dog was poisoned if we should take her home and just nurse her in hopes that she would get healthy again or if we should just put her to sleep.  I made the decision to put our dog to sleep.  It was one of the hardest decisions I would ever make and I knew in my heart that one day I would be able to count on my parents when I needed to make a decision that I couldn’t handle. Well back on to the story.

 My mom made the decision for me.  My mom told me and whispered in my ear that I needed to be induced than she told the Dr.  So that is what I was going to do.  I started walking to the Labor and Delivery Room and while I was walking my ANGER was swelling up inside me.  We got to room number 5 (if you have ever seen the movie Where the Heart is the number 5 is a bad number for the main character) that is how I remember my room number.  My contractions were starting to turn into the beast inside of me.  I was so upset with having to feel the pain of a contraction and with the outcome of a dead baby.  No reward in the end.  They gave me morphine to reduce the pain while I waited for the epidural.  The person that administers the epidural was in a emergency C-section and couldn’t leave the room.  I wasn’t breathing when the contractions came.  I was so angry that I didn’t even care if I hyperventilated.  My husband sat at my side begging me to breathe.  I breathed for him.  The morphine only affected me in between contractions I would get rest and I would almost be asleep.

I would almost be asleep.

I would almost be asleep.  It is now time for me to tell you the affects drugs have on me.  While my husband was on his LDS mission I waited for him. I had a root canal on the tooth right next to my front teeth the dentist gave me Lora tab or however you spell it.  I would only take a half on one and it would have me knocked out until the next day when I would take one.  I would take it at bedtime so I could sleep through out the night.  It helped me all the next day.  Co-workers told me never to get on drugs because they could tell. Your thinking that is just Lora tab that affects everyone.  I’m the girl who takes a Tylenol and it knocks me out.  Let’s not talk about ibuprofen that is worse. Well back on to the story.

The morphine only affected me in between contractions I would get rest and I would almost be asleep.  Than a contraction would happen. And we would go through the whole ordeal again my husband begging me to breathe.  During this time of not having the epidural and just morphine.  I was so ANGRY with our Heavenly Father I couldn’t’ believe He was doing this to me.  He let me carry her for the 9 months and than did this to me.  I was hurt I wanted to yell and scream but I couldn’t because I was in so much pain.  I finally got the epidural.  Life was starting to go a little better.  Because of how drugs affect me I had one contraction when the epidural was given and than I didn’t feel any pain.  They were shocked that it worked this fast.  So while I got my epidural they started the hormone that induces labor I was already at a 5 (the number again) by the time I got the epidural.  It just turned into a waiting game of when I would have to deliver.  During that time I was comforted by our Savior.  He reminded me of His promise.  He told me that she would be my daughter for all eternity and that I would get to spend time with her if I stayed strong.  He reminded me that He had felt my pain when He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Right than our Heavenly Father was forgiven I wasn’t angry anymore.  I stayed strong and at 12:49am on August 23, 2010 My little girl was born.

My little girl was born.

My little girl was born.  I didn’t get to hear her cry or see her take a breath of air.  I got to hold her.  I got to name my Angel.  My Angel that I had seen before.  My little girl was STILL BORN.  I felt so much life in that room she wasn’t alive but I could still feel her spirit in that room.  Our little girl was happy to be with both of her parents.  Daddy was in love but afraid of holding her.  Mommy was in love and just wanted to soak up the time I got to be with her.  Daddy after watching Mommy show their little girl how much she loved her Daddy held her.  Mommy watched as Daddy’s face changed again this time she watched as the Love poured out over his face.  As he were holding his daughter after waiting the 9 months to be able to hold his baby.  We got to spend almost two amazing days with her.  The Savior promised me time if I stayed Strong.  I stayed strong during the delivery and he blessed me with the two days.  Now I have to stay strong now for the promise of more time with her in the eternities. 

After she was born

“ I have never asked why but rather what is that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, Not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties.”
-Richard G. Scott

After she was born I got to bath my daughter after we held her and loved her.  My parents and my husbands mom was there.  They got to hold her and love on her.  My parents took the pictures of her before she got her bath.  We got to see her little spirit shine through her body.  My daughter was so special you could feel how strong and amazing she was.  We had a photographer come and take the moldings of the hands and feet of our daughter and take pictures of her.  After I bathed her.  I was a mommy that didn’t know what outfit she wanted to bring her baby home in.  So in the hospital bag she had one outfit, gowns, and onsies.  I was a happy mommy when I remembered how many outfits I had for my little girl.  My little girls first outfit was a little yellow dress that had rainbows all over the dress.  My best friend J had given me that outfit for my daughter.  I think she knew that it was meant to be my daughters.  This little yellow dress was made for her.  My little daughter glowed in the outfit and that is the outfit that she met all of her family in.   My friends got to come and meet her and hold her.  My best friend J came and took pictures of my little girl.  It was a day to never forget.  So whenever I see a rainbow I know that it is a reminder of the love of my daughter.

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her, ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after it’s resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit….”
-Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, 177

I wrote my daughter a letter

I wrote my daughter a letter.  I wrote my daughter a letter about all of the hopes and dreams we had for her.  I wrote to her about her family.  I wrote about how her mommy and daddy had fallen in love.  I wrote to her about her aunts and uncles and cousins.  I wrote about how much we loved her and all the special times we had together during the 9 months.  I wrote to her about the hard time also.  I told her about how it was to deliver her.  I wrote to her telling her that she needed to hold my hand and help me through the next couple of days.  This letter is a special letter for me, my husband and my family.  I told her the little jokes that we had with her in the hospital.  I told the story of her life what she loved to have me eat.  My little girl loved sugar I would walk down the candy aisle and pick out all the fruity candy and jolly ranchers.  How she loved the fruity candy and hated chocolate it would always give me heartburn when I ate it.  I told her about the love of watermelon with salt on it so it would bring out more flavor I ate so much watermelon with her.  We had a love affair with sugar and loved it so much.  My daughter is now known as my "sweet" angel.