Thursday, July 18, 2013

Strength

My life is all about STRENGTH. I may have a cute hubby and a cute little girl but mostly my life is all about strength.  I have hit a point where people think it should be a time for me to move on with losing my little angel.  Others who have lost say there is no time that goes by that your heart hurts. It has been almost 3 years since I lost my little angel and my heart mourns for her still.  I want so much to be a mother of two little girls who can play and be friends. I see my little girl playing and I wish that her big sister was here with her to play with her. I'm a mom who lost a baby and there will always be a hole in my heart that I will never get back.

It still takes strength daily to get out of bed to go see my smiling happy girl. (I have panic attacks if she isn't awake yet when I get out of my room)  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to walk out the door everyday to go to work.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to not cry at all the songs that remind me of my little girl.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to care for others and let them in my heart.  When it does my love just gets stronger.  I wish it didn't take so long for people to let them in my heart but it does.
I mourn more than most people.  I don't think people understand why. My life was shattered in a second and I wish that upon no one.

I wish I was stronger when I needed to be stronger.  Instead my body had a major panic attack and that is not okay by me. I wish I could of been the person I was four years ago when my anxiety didn't jump in and take over my life and take control over my life.  My strength that has been built up for the last three years but it wasn't strong enough for me on Sunday when I needed it the most.

I'm once again in mourning but this time it is a happy mourning.  Just a hard one because in my heart I did everything I could and I still lost.

I have another angel in my heart I took care of her, I loved her as if she could be my daughter if I was 50 years older. (I work with the mentally handicap and I love them all so much) I lost one of my ladies on Sunday.  I have only worked with her for a couple of months during the day but I took care of her for 2 years at night. I will miss her.

Strength is something we all have we just don't realize how much we have of it when its not needed but once we need it you feel it.  You can feel it run throughout your body just to pick up your foot just to take a step.

My strength is always with me during July-August. I always  put on a happy face for people but if they really asked me how I was doing and wanted to hear how I was.  They would know that for 6 weeks during the summer I remember everything that happened.  I remember the month before my little angel L had her baby bump pictures taken.  I remember holding my cute little niece as a newborn with Little L in me and how she would kick and kick.  I remember the feeling of wanting my baby so much.  I remember the doctor telling me that my baby had died. I remember seeing her and just wishing that we would hear a cry come from her.  It didn't happen. I remember holding her and just loving on her as people came to see her and meet her.

My strength is always up during these six weeks but I wasn't prepared for having to rely on it again so much.  So my thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the lady that we lost on Sunday. 

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