I promised a new blog about my story but today than in the middle of the night the midnight snack of cereal was calling for me. I got out of bed went and poured a bowl of cereal within 2 bites of eating I felt a tang to my tooth than my tooth started to hurt. I have cavities so I was wondering if there was something that came off the spoon. No it didn't come off my spoon is was my tooth. I went to the dentist today and I got some laughing gas. Laughing gas had the weirdest effect on me for the first time today. I went home freezing and shaking I climbed into bed and asked my husband if he could go get some soup for my lunch. After I ate I fell asleep no problem. I woke up this evening. I slept the entire afternoon now it is time to go spend with family.
I sit here wondering what to type. I'm in silence just thinking and pondering over what I would like to write. I wrote about the Savior and the strength He gives me yesterday. I still want to write about my strength. Not just going back to work but just going places and being there for my family and friends.
My mom was so worried about when she would see me smile again when my daughter had died. My mom worried about when would be the next time she would see me smile. If her daughter would just crawl up in a ball and not her spirit shine through. I did think about that when I was walking to the delivery room. I thought how can my life carry on after this. Than I saw my mom there beside me taking care of her daughter making sure I was going to be okay. I just wanted to have the same experience with my daughter the chance to be there for her when she was going to be having her first baby. That dream had disappeared it was over in a second. I than thought about how much my mom loves me and how much I love her.
My mom has the most amazing strength I have ever seen. My mom has cancer but she is curing it the natural way with the things that God has given us instead of man made chemo and radiation. My mom was misdiagnosed with her cancer when I was in Jr. High. When my hubby was on his mission I woke up one day to see that both of my parents were gone. Just one vehicle was missing. I called their cell phones no answer. I came home after work. My parents were still not home. My parents would tell me if they were going on a spontaneous trip and they would answer their phones. I went into my room knelt down to the ground and prayed for their safety. I was worried I asked for comfort. I than crawled into bed and drifted slowly to sleep still not hearing my parents come home. The next day I woke up they were back they asked me to come sit down in the living room. I was sitting next to my mom when she told me that she had cancer. I grabbed her and cried. My mom was that example to me. My mom has so much strength everyday is a miracle with my mom. I smiled after my daughter was born. I have stayed strong for her and now I have to stay strong for my mom and my family.
This last Saturday night I got a call from my friend. My friend called to have me come over to comfort on the worst night of her life. My friends dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2009. In November my friend had found out that she was pregnant. My friend also found out in the same month that there was nothing they could do for her father. My friend stayed positive her dream was that her dad was going to hold his first grandchild. This phone call she could barely talk she asked if I was busy. I said if you need me I can be there. She said that she would like that. I got there and I saw so much pain her eyes. My friend got the news that night that her dad had passed away from the cancer. I just sat there and comforted her. She told me I was called because I was a friend that could comfort. That has stuck with me. I'm a friend who can comfort. I have gone through loosing a daughter and I can still go comfort my friends when they need me the most in their life.
I have to be grateful for the Savior for giving me that strength to still be me. I can see my sorrows and see my friends sorrow but I can look past my sorrow to be there for her. Compassion is what the Savior had shown to us and the Savior has given me the gift of compassion.
Lord, I Would Follow Thee
Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
What has been happening with me lately. I haven’t blogged about my story for quite some time now. I want to say that I have been horribly busy and haven’t had the time for it. In truth I don’t know what really to talk about. I feel like every time I sit down to write it turns into a pity me story. I don’t really want that to happen. But I know that this is something that I should be writing down so that when I look back I can remember the strength that has been shown. I know that it is the Lord’s strength giving me the will to carry on with my life. My friend the other night asked me a good question and I’m going to reply to her here.
How do I go to work each night?
When she asked me that I had no clue how to answer that. I still don’t know how to answer that question. I have been working on writing this answer for over an hour now. I don’t know how I have the will to carry on with my life. I have three things cheering me on. The simple answer is
1.) THE SAVIOR
A couple more of like a handful now years ago I read a book about the Atonement. The book goes into the deep about what happened in Gethsemane. I decided to read this book because one of my good friends I called her to see if she wanted to hangout and she was crying. I asked if she was okay she said I’m reading this book and it is just making me realize how much the Savior has really done for us. I went and bought the book read it. I love it! I even sent a copy to my hubby while he was on the mission. I asked him if he still had the copy he said that he had passed it on. It truly is a wonderful book. It sounds like I’m trying to sell a book for someone to read. I’m not trying to do that.
I just think that this book has helped me realize that the Savior has really truly felt this pain. I look towards Him so that He will help me out with the small things of life. Like getting out of bed, going into work, being a friend when someone needs a friend.
This horrible trial that I’m going through sucks there is simply no other word for it sucks. It sucks everything in if you will let it. This trial could ruin the relationship between husband and wife, it can ruin having a house over your head, it can suck the happiness right out of your life if you let it. People tell me how much they look up to me because how strong I am. I’m glad that they can look up to me and I can be an example. But I just don’t want to take all the credit for it. It is not me that is strong it is the Savior who has my back. He has promised me a lifetime plus an eternity with the people I love if I stay strong and do the things which I need to. The Savior is the one cheering me on. The Savior is the one giving me the strength to carry on.
2.) MY HUSBAND
I’m head over heels in love with him. My heart still aches and so does his. We have this trial to go through together. I’m not alone in it and he isn’t alone in it. I view having to do the small things in life is letting him still see the woman he loves. I could sit and tell you all the wonderful things he does but than you would be here longer and this is already a long post
3.) MY DAUGHTER
I want her to be proud of her mom and tell Heavenly Father see how much my mommy loves me. My mommy can tell my story of my life even though it was a short one to the world and show this trial of hers to the world and not be ashamed of me.
I just want to say to anyone who is going through this trial or any other trial that seems unbearable. It is hard but you have to look for the positive things in your life that you are willing to fight for or your just going to be sucked in like a vacuum to your trial.
Curious about the book I read it is called:
Gethsemane By: Andrew Skinner
I'm back I will start telling more of my story tomorrow.
gratitude? Where did the month go... I have been thankful for a lot of things this month but yet I have forgotten to post them. I guess time will fly fast when you are looking for things to be grateful for.
I'm grateful for the chance to see the sun even if it is every once in awhile and getting the chance to do some spring cleaning and washing our car for it to rain the next day. I'm grateful to be able to plant some flowers and veggies for the summer. Even if they are now living in the house while the snow is falling. It just brings beauty into the home. I'm grateful for our new place. We have nice landlords who are always fun to talk to. I'm grateful for being able to have a little patch of land to grow some flowers. I'm also grateful for my husband and all the many things he is doing to change our family life in the future. Like for right now that he is going to school to become a teacher so that he will be able to support his little family. I'm grateful for being able to go pick up my niece and have her come over to have a sleep over. I love how excited she gets about coming and hanging out with her aunt even if it is for a night and a couple of hours on a Saturday. When she could say no mom I don't want to go with my aunt I want to hang out with my friends. I love that she picks me.
Tomorrow there is a festival of colors going on and it is the day to welcome spring can you believe it might be snowing when we are welcoming in spring. I'm grateful for this crazy weather.
I'm grateful for all the little small things in life that make you remember the reason to live and go on with your life. I'm sitting in bed not ready to go to sleep when I feel little paws climbing up to be in the middle of the bed. It may just be our cat but to me that is a comfort. One day we will have a little one climbing into bed telling us they had a bad dream. But for right now it is our 8 pound cat that is training us for that time when our bed is no longer big enough for just my husband and I.
A blog that I follow talk2thetrees had something very sad happen to her. She had to put her little comfort animal to sleep today. My heart broke for her when I heard the news. She has been through a lot these past couple of months and her little dog was there by her side. I don't know what I would do if I had to put to sleep my little comfort animal that is 8 pounds and takes over our bed at night. I do know how she is feeling though. I had to make the decision of putting one of our family dogs to sleep. I also at the time when I met my husband our family dog that we had since I was just a little girl had a stroke and had to be put to sleep. I have her in my prayers that she may have comfort and her little doggy angel looking after her.
I'm so grateful for the little things in life that make us who we are!!!
Do two people ever see the same rainbow? No. As the eyes of two people cannot occupy the same place in space at the same time, each observer sees a different rainbow. Why? Well,because the raindrops are constantly in motion so its appearance is always changing. Each time you see a rainbow, it is unique in its own spectacular way!
St. Patrick's Day is celebrated on March 17, his religious feast day and the anniversary of his death in the fifth century. The Irish have observed this day as a religious holiday for over a thousand years. On St. Patrick's Day, which falls during the Christian season of Lent, Irish families would traditionally attend church in the morning and celebrate in the afternoon. Lenten prohibitions against the consumption of meat were waived and people would dance, drink and feast—on the traditional meal of Irish bacon and cabbage.
It is time to start thinking about St. Patrick's Day!!! I love this holiday!!! I love the children out looking for a four leaf clover during recess. I am also a fan of trying to find a Leprechaun and his gold at the end of the rainbow. I still participate in this holiday by wearing GREEN so that I won't be pinched.
When you were little and you got hurt where was the one place you would run to for comfort??? I would run to my mom she knew how to comfort me and make me feel better. Even if it was just a kiss for my boo boo. I didn't grow out of it. When I had my miscarriage my mom was there by my side holding me. When I learned of my daughter. I opened my arms and my mama came to hold me and comfort me. Today when I was feeling sad I got to be held in my moms arms as I just cried and told her my fears. My moms arms are just not for comfort either. This is where all the hugs come from when we see each other. One day I will be that mom that when my little girl or boy needs that comfort they can come to me and get those hugs that a mom gives.
I'm grateful for my moms arms today. I got to go and be held by my mom today and get to tell her my grief I have been feeling and be able to cry. I got the comfort from her like when I was a little girl.
My dad hands out the best hugs. I get a hug from my dad when I see him and when I leave to go home. My dads hugs are the ones that you know he loves you so much. He tells you by squeezing you tight and whispering a I LOVE YOU in your ear. Those are the hugs that give you the strength to carry on in life.
I'm also grateful for my dads arms today. I love knowing that whenever I see my dad there is a hug always to be had.
I have a really funny weekend it is not Saturday or Sunday. My weekend is Tuesday and Wednesday with all day Thursday that is right almost 3 days. I go back to work Thursday nights and stay up all night. Actually to get this three day weekend I would have to come home Tuesday morning take a two hour nap stay up the rest of the day sleep Tuesday Night have all day Wednesday and repeat but on Thursday night go into work which means almost 24 hours of no sleep and add that up to the other 24 hours you would have if you didn't any sleep on Tuesday. Weekends can be exhausting. I chose to keep my weekend the normal weekend Friday Saturday kind of. I go home sleep in the morning on Saturdays so that I can spend the afternoon doing family/friend things. Sunday we sleep for 2 hours wake up than go to church and than sleep in the afternoon. I make my Sunday meals in the crock pot so that when we wake up we keep to our eating habits. We try to eat around 5 every night and than have another small meal before going into work and than at 2am is when I have my last meal of the day. I don't know when hubby has his last meal but I think it is probably around the same time. For my Tuesday/ Wednesday days off this is when I soak in the hours of sleep. I only take a 3 hour nap on Tuesday so when nighttime comes around I will be tired and sleep all night. Some days it works other days not so much.
My normal weekend was a great weekend. I got to lounge around the house, cook, clean which only takes 5 minutes. I got to hangout with my family, my hubby he let me watch a chick flick with him. My hubby is all about sports. It was really nice to be able to watch a chick flick that I have been wanting to see. The things which I have booked for Saturday and Sunday. Well I don't have to go stand in line for a basketball game so that is nice. I can now go do some other things. Like go take baby bump pictures of my friend who lives up in Idaho and is coming down to Utah for the weekend. I'm so excited to see her I haven't seen her since she found out that she was pregnant. A very cute story by the way. My aunt and uncle just moved into a new house so this weekend they are having a open house excited for that I get to see more of my family yay! That is always a good thing family is what gives us strength. Sunday we will be going to church and sleeping in the afternoon. My weekends are relaxing to busy but I sure do have fun.
Today I'm grateful for having a job and working the same shift as my hubby and for weekends both of them!!!
After a big snow storm last night... this afternoon the sun was out. Hubby and I went to enjoy that sunlight together. It was just a beautiful day all the snow seemed to have melted. Showing that spring is on its way. I know I live in a crazy weather state and I have seen snow in July while the sun is out. I am grateful to see the weather starting to get a little warmer and that the colors of spring are going to be out in the next couple of weeks. I'm grateful for the crazy weather that I live in. I'm grateful that I can see a beautiful blanket of white covering the ground in the morning to seeing the green in the afternoon.
I have a new fear in my life to add to my collection of fears. I already have a fear over snakes, mice, and worms. Yes, I know worms who is afraid of worms I am. But my new fear that is being added to the list and this is the one that scares me the most. What if I already had the chances of becoming a mom and I will never be able to be a mom again. This one has made the top of the list. I'm scared that was going to be the only chance that my husband and I had to becoming parents. I never complained about my pregnancy symptoms and I had a ton I could of complained about but I never did. I just took everything as it came even when my head was in the toilet bowl or when I had an IV in me giving me fluid so that I could become hydrated again. I wonder why I have to learn this lesson it is a hard lesson to learn. I want to know why I said give me this trial I want it give it to me. I would of rather been like my co-worker who stood in line for a small bladder and having to use the bathroom every 15 minutes instead of standing in the line of broken hearts. I know this is a big lesson for me to learn and I'm not going to learn it right away that it is going to take time to heal my heart and there will be always be a little piece missing. I know that my Heavenly Father and my daughter wrap their arms around me to give me the strength to live my daily life. So for today I'm going to pray for that comfort to be with me so I don't cry all day long and can see the good in life.
I had one of those days today where I just wanted to be creative and so I used my right side of my brain and created. I didn't want to throw away some soup cans after getting the soup out of them over this weekend. I wanted to do my part and try to recycle something see something more than what it can be used for. I got out some ribbon I had laying around and I wrapped the ribbon around the cans. I made pen holders with the cans and I love how they turned out. I have two small cans and two big cans holding all the pens and markers that I had laying around. I'm grateful for having a creative mind and being able to see that I could make something ordinary to something that we could use.
So today I'm grateful for my creative side of my brain.
This is an amazing woman who will never be able to have children because of radiation. Lindsey doesn't even know if she is going be here next Christmas to celebrate with her husband. But yet this beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father has the most amazing attitude about life she is so positive about everything around her.
I have already blogged about her here and go check her story out here For Lindsey
I would have to say today was filled with music. Music was in my ears before I fell asleep. I also had a nice little waking up to listening to the landlords play the piano that is right above our bedroom. At work last night and as I walked in this is what the other shift were watching KUED they had the little pledge and they were showing Les Misérables all weekend. I quickly grabbed my smart phone so that I could set my DVR to record it I couldn't set the DVR because I was at work. Of course the one reason I have my app on my phone to record a show I don't want to miss and it doesn't want to work. I called my hubby and he used his app and had it set to record. Saving me some gas so that I didn't have to run home and hit the record button. I love how we have come to trust in technology we do a couple of things and than we know that it will work. Like right now I know if I walk away from my computer blogger is going to automatically save what I'm working on. I would have to say this is pretty amazing that I can be at work and want to record a program so that hubby and I can watch it together later.
Back to my gratitude for music... I have a love affair with music. I have music on right now. I don't think I have ever gone a day without listening to music. I love how music is all so different. I have my music for almost everything I do. I have music that I love listening to in the car. I have music that I love having on as background music in the kitchen when cooking. I have music to when I blog and when I'm on the internet. I have music that I listen to at work so that I always have something keeping me awake. I love the MOTAB and my favorite is when my aunts from England come to Utah we go up to Salt Lake every Sunday to hear the MOTAB's Music and the Spoken Word. Tonight hubby and I watched Les Misérables and we loved just listening to the music and have a nice relaxing evening before going to work.
I'm grateful for MUSIC and the wonderments of TECHNOLOGY today.
I'm grateful for marriage and all the things that come with it the good days and those stinkin' bad days that nobody likes. I'm grateful for having someone else there to lean on and also know that you couldn't live without them. I made a joke while hubby was on a mission I have gone almost two years without him I know that I can still survive without him always being there. But in all honesty I loved getting the mail everyday hoping there would be a letter from him. I may have not had him by my side for the those two years but I had ways of communicating with him through letters. Ask me today if I could go another two years without my hubs and I would tell you those were the longest two years of my life and I couldn't see doing any normal living without him being there. We have been married for almost three years but it feels like an eternity it feels like we have been with each other forever and an eternity just sounds wonderful to be with him. On Friday we do our Saturday chores so that on the weekend we can go and do things together. I loved working as a team to clean the apartment and getting it looking nice. Even though we weren't cleaning the right by each other we had the trust that when it was all said and done we cleaned the apartment to look nice. I love my hubby and he is my rock so here it is to marriage. I'm so grateful for MARRIAGE!!!
“I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”
-Henry B. Eyring
Watching Prayers Be Answered
I would like to say this is a prayer of mine being answered well it kind of it is but this prayer has been for a friend and her hubby. My friend was over at our apartment one night when she got the call from her hubby that he had lost his job. I gave them the website of where I work so that they could apply. I thought that they would hire them because they have had experience. Wrong. I was a little upset at my work because they hire everyone and my friend and her husband were not hired it had confused me. Well I have been praying for them that they may find a job. Luckily they live with family in a basement apartment so that is one blessing they have. Well earlier this week her hubby got a job and today she updated the world of Facebook to tell us that she had gotten a job. I'm so happy for them and I'm so glad that I got to see a prayer answered for my friend and her hubby. I know that the Lord is always watching over us and will always be there for us but it is always nice to see that prayers are being answered. I'm grateful for watching and having prayers answered.
"God does notice us, and He watches over us.
But it is usually through another person
that He meets our needs."
-Spencer W. Kimball
That is one of my favorite quotes I put it everywhere just as a small little reminder that we are never really ever alone even when we want to be.
Today was a rainy day making it the perfect day to stay in side and have a relaxing day. I love days where it is to cold to go outside so you stay inside. Today was a nice relaxing day being able to go and hangout with my friend while our husbands played racquetball and we stayed inside just sitting and talking. and enjoying some orange sherbet. Also being able to make a nice simple meal for my hubby and than sitting down and enjoying the meal. Thank you hubby for putting basketball aside for a couple of minutes so that we could enjoy a meal together. Now time to go and relax some more before we have to go to work. So today I'm grateful for rainy days and simple pleasures in life.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion.
That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths
like a pebble drops some careless word,
it overflows, and its secret,
split on the ground like water,
can never be gathered together"
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
That sounds like the silliest thing to grateful for emotions. Why did I choose emotions because when it was time for me look back on my day and see all the things I was grateful for and really look into my day for the things I never think about. Emotions came to mind. Are emotions are the things that make us human and I'm so grateful for that so here is a little recap of all the emotions I went through or saw happen today.
What a thing to be grateful for EMOTIONS!!! I went through a lot of them today... like not wanting to get out of bed and just be lazy... to go and standing in a line for 5 hours outside in the cold... during that time I got to see so many emotions expressed on peoples faces... to anticipation to pure boredom to being embarrassed... I also so got to see a lot of anger and I myself felt anger nothing beats seeing a bunch of BYU students yelling at refs... which turns into laughter. I got to feel as my body changed from anger to calm to worried. I was worried about my friend who texted me telling me she was in the hospital and she would like me to come see her. I worried on the way when I got there I saw emotions of being scared and not knowing what is happening to her. I got to see my emotion of comforting and happiness come out as I watched the smile happen on her face when she saw that I walked in. Laughter and silliness I got to see as we were walking out of the hospital. I'm also feeling right now relaxed and loved with my husband needing my skills as a photographer for his homework.
So today I'm grateful for the emotions of life and getting to feel them.
Today is the first day I kick off the month of my gratitude post each day. Here comes the first post of gratitude. I have 30 more to go I'm so excited to start it off.
One of the many things that I'm grateful for is my family. Today I'm especially grateful for my older sister. I love her so much. We got to experience being pregnant together and I never thought that would happen. I'm the baby of the family and I have been an Aunt since I was 10. I always thought that my babies would be the youngest ones of the grandchildren and wouldn't have the cousins the same age. I loved being pregnant with my sister she was the one I turned to when I had the weird pregnant questions that I didn't really want to ask my mom about even though my mom could of answered them for me. My sister found out first that she was having a girl and she was bound and determined that I was pregnant with a boy. I would tell her it's a girl. My first ultrasound they gave us an 85% chance it was a girl. I called my sister and told my sister that I was having a girl. We went back to the mall to get another ultrasound done of the baby to make sure it was a girl and didn't change to a boy. I also wanted one more ultrasound to check because me being the baby of the family I would get teased by my brothers that it was a boy. I went to my parents house to show my brothers and my mom that it was girl 100% no changing it. We are a family that teases so my mom said call L and tell her it is a boy she just went and bought all the girl baby shower decorations. I got on the phone to call my sister when she answered I told her I had some news that my baby girl wasn't really a baby girl that we were going to be having a boy. I couldn't keep it quiet for long listening to her talk and I said just kidding it is a girl. We were going to have girls to grow up with each other 2 months apart. We were both excited. I remember my sister going through the pain of loosing my little girl along with me. She would call me daily or text and still does she would tell me my little girl is just smiling and giggling when she was only 2 months old. L would tell me that my daughter was there visiting my niece. I remember her saying that it was unfair that her little girl lost her best friend and her cousin and that it was totally unfair. My daughter and my niece looked like twins we have pictures of them that if you put them in black and white you couldn't tell which one it was. We mourned together I got to go spend the weekend with her and her daughters while I was on FMLA and my hubby went back to work. We stayed in her big bed talking until 1 in the morning. I will never forget that she was my big sister that I had missed so much because we had not done that since she lived at home and I was just a little girl when she got married. I love my sister so much and I'm so grateful to be her little sister and her hero. I'm so grateful for the love my sister has shown us these last couple of months inviting us over for Sunday dinners and just being able to go over and hang out with her beautiful family. I love my sister so much and I can't wait until we are mums age and we get lost going on adventures together.
So even though that I'm not an lonely only child... I'm glad I have my big sister.
Today quotes are going to be for my sister...
A sister is one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
A sister is a gift from God, sent from above to make life worthwhile.