feelings

'I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties." 

-Richard G. Scott

It is coming up on two years of loosing our little angel L our life has changed in the two years.  After our angels funeral my hubby and I were on a drive talking about the precious spirit we get to be parents of and how she is already in the celestial kingdom and we don't have to worry about her getting there but us getting there.  We also talked about goals we would like to see us accomplish before having another baby.  One of them was buying a house so that we would be able to start our family in a home of our own.  I was thinking okay we can do that I didn't want to have another baby for a long time...  Well we are moved into our home we have a little sister to our little angel L.  Is my life easier now that I have a baby to hold in my arms.  Well in the aspect of being a new parent I'm learning everyday what it takes to be a good mom to her.  I do still miss my little angel L I will always wonder about how different life would be if she were here would we of had this joy of our little baby Z in our lives right now or not.  I had forgotten about this quote I just unpacked my journal I guess that is why I keep a blog.  I put quotes on the inside cover of my journal whenever I get a new one I pick out ones that make me smile, make me think, and make me feel loved.  This is one of the quotes I put in my journal when I first got it.  I got this journal right out of high school (bad journal keeper I know!) and this one of the quotes I put in it for the new experiences in my life.  If I could of told myself that 5 years after graduating high school I would of had a still born I wouldn't of believed it but somewhere the spirit prompted me to put this quote in it.  I do have to say at first after loosing my baby I was ANGRY with Heavenly Father He had taken away another spirit from joining our family.  I than asked WHY is this happening to me does He not trust me. 

Around my little angels first birthday (I was barely pregnant again) I started thinking what does He want me to learn from loosing my little angel.

•   I have friends that are infertile and for some weird reason I keep meeting people that are infertile.  So I thought maybe I'm learning compassion for these beautiful women who don't know what it is like to have a baby and the heartache of not being able to have a baby.  I have learned that these women are amazing one of my best friends just finalized her adoption to her little girl in May and they were sealed as a family in July.  I look up to her in so many ways she is truly a loving mother to this little girl and this little girl looks at her and knows that she is her mommy.  My friend may not of had the feeling of knowing what it feels like to have that baby inside her but my friend knows the feeling of holding that baby in her arms and giving her the love that babies give to their parents.
•  I had a friend who had a still born in this last year and I got to learn more about how caring and sweet my mom and my sister are.  This friend even though I'm so busy now being back to work full time and taking care of my daughter when I'm home.  My friend has told me "j, to see you so happy with Z is a huge inspiration to me....thanks for all you do...♥." I can lead by example this friend is in my thoughts and prayers daily.
• I was there to comfort my brother when he had lost his little boy and I have been there to welcome with him the life of his beautiful daughter.
• A friend on Facebook on her status asked if she already knew the risk of loosing the baby early in her pregnancy should she still do it.  A lot of people commented on it saying Yes because they couldn't live with out their babies.  I commented saying I didn't know I was going to loose my little girl at 38 weeks and how it is the hardest heart ache I have ever had and I'm still mourning the loss of my angel.  But I said Yes, I would still do it all over again.  (is that what happened before I came here to earth I was asked if I would be a mom to a spirit who would just need a body and not the trial of earth did I say Yes knowing that it was such an honor to do it for a spirit)
• I have learned to be grateful to be a mother to a perfect angel, I'm grateful for the compassion that I have learned.  I'm so grateful that the Lord did TRUST in ME  enough to be able to give me this trial and to know that I would make it through it.

   Well this being said I have been on the blogs of my followers and this blogger is needing prayers for her babies.  She was pregnant with triplets after a fertility treatment well she just lost one of the babies and she is still pregnant with the two others she needs prayers to comfort her and be with her babies. My mom and I started praying for her when we found out that she was pregnant with triplets how amazing is that after loosing her little girl.  I cried at work once I read that she lost her little baby boy my prayers and thoughts are with her and her family.  I pray that she can stay positive for these two babies and that these babies may join their family and will be able to be raised by them.  I don't know her personally but I love her and am sending her hugs and lots of prayers.

Thursday is my little angels second birthday and I know that we will be celebrating her life even if was a short one that was lived in me.  But we got to know her and the love that she has for us in the short time we got to be with her.

Comfort Words

(warning long blog post: if you don't have the time to read the article just read the pink quotes and than my thoughts at the end of this article.  If you have the time to read this I encourage you to do so.)

Joseph Smith talked to Parents who lose children in death will receive them in the resurrection just as they laid them down.

At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet said: “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …
“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”5
“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6
“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”7
President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …
“In 1854, I met with my aunt [Agnes Smith], the wife of my uncle, Don Carlos Smith, who was the mother of that little girl [Sophronia] that Joseph Smith, the Prophet, was speaking about, when he told the mother that she should have the joy, the pleasure, and the satisfaction of rearing that child, after the resurrection, until it reached the full stature of its spirit; and that it would be a far greater joy than she could possibly have in mortality, because she would be free from the sorrow and fear and disabilities of mortal life, and she would know more than she could know in this life. I met that widow, the mother of that child, and she told me this circumstance and bore testimony to me that this was what the Prophet Joseph Smith said when he was speaking at the funeral of her little daughter.”8
Mary Isabella Horne and Leonora Cannon Taylor each lost a young child in death. Sister Horne recalled that the Prophet Joseph Smith gave the two sisters these words of comfort: “He told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and that they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers.”

 (SOURCE) 

I was missing my little angel today.  I was sitting in church listening to the Missionaries talk about the trials that we go through.  I was thinking about my little angel and how I wish she could be with us.  We than sang Come, Come Ye Saints...

And should we die before our journey’s through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too
(source) 
 I started to cry yes full on cry... I had to wipe away my tears.  I had a wonderful feeling come over me.  My daughter doesn't have to live through the stress and trials of what is going to come.  Instead she gets to greet me and I will than to get to raise her free from sorrow and fear of our mortal life.  I love her so much and I just miss her.
  

Gratitude

gratitude?  Where did the month go...  I have been thankful for a lot of things this month but yet I have forgotten to post them.  I guess time will fly fast when you are looking for things to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for the chance to see the sun even if it is every once in awhile and getting the chance to do some spring cleaning and washing our car for it to rain the next day.  I'm grateful to be able to plant some flowers and veggies for the summer.  Even if they are now living in the house while the snow is falling.  It just brings beauty into the home.  I'm grateful for our new place.  We have nice landlords who are always fun to talk to.  I'm grateful for being able to have a little patch of land to grow some flowers.  I'm also grateful for my husband and all the many things he is doing to change our family life in the future.  Like for right now that he is going to school to become a teacher so that he will be able to support his little family.  I'm grateful for being able to go pick up my niece and have her come over to have a sleep over.  I love how excited she gets about coming and hanging out with her aunt even if it is for a night and a couple of hours on a Saturday.  When she could say no mom I don't want to go with my aunt I want to hang out with my friends.  I love that she picks me.

Tomorrow there is a festival of colors going on and it is the day to welcome spring can you believe it might be snowing when we are welcoming in spring.  I'm grateful for this crazy weather.

small things...

I'm grateful for all the little small things in life that make you remember the reason to live and go on with your life.  I'm sitting in bed not ready to go to sleep when I feel little paws climbing up to be in the middle of the bed.  It may just be our cat but to me that is a comfort.  One day we will have a little one climbing into bed telling us they had a bad dream.  But for right now it is our 8 pound cat that is training us for that time when our bed is no longer big enough for just my husband and I.

A blog that I follow talk2thetrees had something very sad happen to her.  She had to put her little comfort animal to sleep today.  My heart broke for her when I heard the news.  She has been through a lot these past couple of months and her little dog was there by her side.  I don't know what I would do if I had to put to sleep my little comfort animal that is 8 pounds and takes over our bed at night.  I do know how she is feeling though.  I had to make the decision of putting one of our family dogs to sleep.  I also at the time when I met my husband our family dog that we had since I was just a little girl had a stroke and had to be put to sleep.  I have her in my prayers that she may have comfort and her little doggy angel looking after her.

I'm so grateful for the little things in life that make us who we are!!!

MAMA AND PAPA ARMS

  When you were little and you got hurt where was the one place you would run to for comfort???  I would run to my mom she knew how to comfort me and make me feel better.  Even if it was just a kiss for my boo boo.  I didn't grow out of it.  When I had my miscarriage my mom was there by my side holding me.  When I learned of my daughter.  I opened my arms and my mama came to hold me and comfort me.  Today when I was feeling sad I got to be held in my moms arms as I just cried and told her my fears.  My moms arms are just not for comfort either.  This is where all the hugs come from when we see each other.  One day I will be that mom that when my little girl or boy needs that comfort they can come to me and get those hugs that a mom gives.

  I'm grateful for my moms arms today.  I got to go and be held by my mom today and get to tell her my grief I have been feeling and be able to cry.  I got the comfort from her like when I was a little girl.

  My dad hands out the best hugs.  I get a hug from my dad when I see him and when I leave to go home.  My dads hugs are the ones that you know he loves you so much.  He tells you by squeezing you tight and whispering a I LOVE YOU in your ear.  Those are the hugs that give you the strength to carry on in life.

  I'm also grateful for my dads arms today.  I love knowing that whenever I see my dad there is a hug always to be had.  

Working Nights and Weekends

I have a really funny weekend it is not Saturday or Sunday.  My weekend is Tuesday and Wednesday with all day Thursday that is right almost 3 days.  I go back to work Thursday nights and stay up all night.  Actually to get this three day weekend I would have to come home Tuesday morning take a two hour nap stay up the rest of the day sleep Tuesday Night have all day Wednesday and repeat but on Thursday night go into work which means almost 24 hours of no sleep and add that up to the other 24 hours you would have if you didn't any sleep on Tuesday.  Weekends can be exhausting.  I chose to keep my weekend the normal weekend Friday Saturday kind of.  I go home sleep in the morning on Saturdays so that I can spend the afternoon doing family/friend things.  Sunday we sleep for 2 hours wake up than go to church and than sleep in the afternoon.  I make my Sunday meals in the crock pot so that when we wake up we keep to our eating habits.  We try to eat around 5 every night and than have another small meal before going into work and than at 2am is when I have my last meal of the day.  I don't know when hubby has his last meal but I think it is probably around the same time.  For my Tuesday/ Wednesday days off this is when I soak in the hours of sleep.  I only take a 3 hour nap on Tuesday so when nighttime comes around I will be tired and sleep all night.  Some days it works other days not so much.

   My normal weekend was a great weekend.  I got to lounge around the house, cook, clean which only takes 5 minutes.  I got to hangout with my family, my hubby he let me watch a chick flick with him.  My hubby is all about sports.  It was really nice to be able to watch a chick flick that I have been wanting to see.  The things which I have booked for Saturday and Sunday.  Well I don't have to go stand in line for a basketball game so that is nice.  I can now go do some other things.  Like go take baby bump pictures of my friend who lives up in Idaho and is coming down to Utah for the weekend.  I'm so excited to see her I haven't seen her since she found out that she was pregnant.  A very cute story by the way.  My aunt and uncle just moved into a new house so this weekend they are having a open house excited for that I get to see more of my family yay!  That is always a good thing family is what gives us strength.  Sunday we will be going to church and sleeping in the afternoon.  My weekends are relaxing to busy but I sure do have fun.

Today I'm grateful for having a job and working the same shift as my hubby and for weekends both of them!!!

SUNLIGHT

   After a big snow storm last night... this afternoon the sun was out.  Hubby and I went to enjoy that sunlight together.  It was just a beautiful day all the snow seemed to have melted.  Showing that spring is on its way.  I know I live in a crazy weather state and I have seen snow in July while the sun is out.  I am grateful to see the weather starting to get a little warmer and that the colors of spring are going to be out in the next couple of weeks.   I'm grateful for the crazy weather that I live in.  I'm grateful that I can see a beautiful blanket of white covering the ground in the morning to seeing the green in the afternoon.

One of those days...

One of those days... 


    I had one of those days today where I just wanted to be creative and so I used my right side of my brain and created.  I didn't want to throw away some soup cans after getting the soup out of them over this weekend.  I wanted to do my part and try to recycle something see something more than what it can be used for.  I got out some ribbon I had laying around and I wrapped the ribbon around the cans.  I made pen holders with the cans and I love how they turned out.  I have two small cans and two big cans holding all the pens and markers that I had laying around.  I'm grateful for having a creative mind and being able to see that I could make something ordinary to something that we could use.

 So today I'm grateful for my creative side of my brain.

MUSIC and the wonderments of TECHNOLOGY

I would have to say today was filled with music.  Music was in my ears before I fell asleep.  I also had a nice little waking up to listening to the landlords play the piano that is right above our bedroom.  At work last night and as I walked in this is what the other shift were watching KUED they had the little pledge and they were showing Les Misérables all weekend.  I quickly grabbed my smart phone so that I could set my DVR to record it I couldn't set the DVR because I was at work.  Of course the one reason I have my app on my phone to record a show I don't want to miss and it doesn't want to work.  I called my hubby and he used his app and had it set to record.  Saving me some gas so that I didn't have to run home and hit the record button.  I love how we have come to trust in technology we do a couple of things and than we know that it will work.  Like right now I know if I walk away from my computer blogger is going to automatically save what I'm working on.  I would have to say this is pretty amazing that I can be at work and want to record a program so that hubby and I can watch it together later.

Back to my gratitude for music... I have a love affair with music.  I have music on right now.  I don't think I have ever gone a day without listening to music.  I love how music is all so different.  I have my music for almost everything I do.  I have music that I love listening to in the car.  I have music that I love having on as background music in the kitchen when cooking.  I have music to when I blog and when I'm on the internet.  I have music that I listen to at work so that I always have something keeping me awake.  I love the MOTAB and my favorite is when my aunts from England come to Utah we go up to Salt Lake every Sunday to hear the MOTAB's Music and the Spoken Word.  Tonight hubby and I watched Les Misérables and we loved just listening to the music and have a nice relaxing evening before going to work.

I'm grateful for MUSIC and the wonderments of TECHNOLOGY today.

1 + 1= 2 things to be grateful for

    Friday:

         MARRIAGE.

   I'm grateful for marriage and all the things that come with it the good days and those stinkin' bad days that nobody likes.  I'm grateful for having someone else there to lean on and also know that you couldn't live without them.  I made a joke while hubby was on a mission I have gone almost two years without him I know that I can still survive without him always being there.  But in all honesty I loved getting the mail everyday hoping there would be a letter from him.  I may have not had him by my side for the those two years but I had ways of communicating with him through letters.  Ask me today if I could go another two years without my hubs and I would tell you those were the longest two years of my life and I couldn't see doing any normal living without him being there.  We have been married for almost three years but it feels like an eternity it feels like we have been with each other forever and an eternity just sounds wonderful to be with him.  On Friday we do our Saturday chores so that on the weekend we can go and do things together.  I loved working as a team to clean the apartment and getting it looking nice.  Even though we weren't cleaning the right by each other we had the trust that when it was all said and done we cleaned the apartment to look nice.  I love my hubby and he is my rock so here it is to marriage.  I'm so grateful for MARRIAGE!!!

“I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”

-Henry B. Eyring

     Saturday:

Watching Prayers Be Answered

   I would like to say this is a prayer of mine being answered well it kind of it is but this prayer has been for a friend and her hubby.  My friend was over at our apartment one night when she got the call from her hubby that he had lost his job.  I gave them the website of where I work so that they could apply.  I thought that they would hire them because they have had experience.  Wrong.  I was a little upset at my work because they hire everyone and my friend and her husband were not hired it had confused me.  Well I have been praying for them that they may find a job.  Luckily they live with family in a basement apartment so that is one blessing they have.  Well earlier this week her hubby got a job and today she updated the world of Facebook to tell us that she had gotten a job.  I'm so happy for them and I'm so glad that I got to see a prayer answered for my friend and her hubby.  I know that the Lord is always watching over us and will always be there for us but it is always nice to see that prayers are being answered.  I'm grateful for watching and having prayers answered.

 

         "God does notice us, and He watches over us. 

         But it is usually through another person

        that He meets our needs." 

    -Spencer W. Kimball

That is one of my favorite quotes I put it everywhere just as a small little reminder that we are never really ever alone even when we want to be.

Rainy/Snowy Days

   Today was a rainy day making it the perfect day to stay in side and have a relaxing day.  I love days where it is to cold to go outside so you stay inside.  Today was a nice relaxing day being able to go and hangout with my friend while our husbands played racquetball and we stayed inside just sitting and talking.  and enjoying some orange sherbet.  Also being able to make a nice simple meal for my hubby and than sitting down and enjoying the meal.  Thank you hubby for putting basketball aside for a couple of minutes so that we could enjoy a meal together.  Now time to go and relax some more before we have to go to work.   So today I'm grateful for rainy days and simple pleasures in life.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.  

~Author Unknown

Emotions

"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion.

That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths

like a pebble drops some careless word,

it overflows, and its secret,

split on the ground like water,

can never be gathered together"

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

   That sounds like the silliest thing to grateful for emotions.  Why did I choose emotions because when it was time for me look back on my day and see all the things I was grateful for and really look into my day for the things I never think about.  Emotions came to mind.  Are emotions are the things that make us human and I'm so grateful for that so here is a little recap of all the emotions I went through or saw happen today. 
   What a thing to be grateful for EMOTIONS!!!  I went through a lot of them today... like not wanting to get out of bed and just be lazy... to go and standing in a line for 5 hours outside in the cold... during that time I got to see so many emotions expressed on peoples faces... to anticipation to pure boredom to being embarrassed...  I also so got to see a lot of anger and I myself felt anger nothing beats seeing a bunch of BYU students yelling at refs... which turns into laughter.  I got to feel as my body changed from anger to calm to worried.  I was worried about my friend who texted me telling me she was in the hospital and she would like me to come see her.  I worried on the way when I got there I saw emotions of being scared and not knowing what is happening to her.  I got to see my emotion of comforting and happiness come out as I watched the smile happen on her face when she saw that I walked in.  Laughter and silliness I got to see as we were walking out of the hospital.  I'm also feeling right now relaxed and loved with my husband needing my skills as a photographer for his homework.

 So today I'm grateful for the emotions of life and getting to feel them.

SISTERS

   Today is the first day I kick off the month of my gratitude post each day.  Here comes the first post of gratitude.  I have 30 more to go I'm so excited to start it off.

    One of the many things that I'm grateful for is my family.  Today I'm especially grateful for my older sister.  I love her so much.  We got to experience being pregnant together and I never thought that would happen.  I'm the baby of the family and I have been an Aunt since I was 10.  I always thought that my babies would be the youngest ones of the grandchildren and wouldn't have the cousins the same age.  I loved being pregnant with my sister she was the one I turned to when I had the weird pregnant questions that I didn't really want to ask my mom about even though my mom could of answered them for me.  My sister found out first that she was having a girl and she was bound and determined that I was pregnant with a boy.  I would tell her it's a girl.  My first ultrasound they gave us an 85% chance it was a girl.  I called my sister and told my sister that I was having a girl.  We went back to the mall to get another ultrasound done of the baby to make sure it was a girl and didn't change to a boy.  I also wanted one more ultrasound to check because me being the baby of the family I would get teased by my brothers that it was a boy.  I went to my parents house to show my brothers and my mom that it was girl 100% no changing it.  We are a family that teases so my mom said call L and tell her it is a boy she just went and bought all the girl baby shower decorations.  I got on the phone to call my sister when she answered I told her I had some news that my baby girl wasn't really a baby girl that we were going to be having a boy.  I couldn't keep it quiet for long listening to her talk and I said just kidding it is a girl.  We were going to have girls to grow up with each other 2 months apart.  We were both excited.  I remember my sister going through the pain of loosing my little girl along with me.  She would call me daily or text and still does she would tell me my little girl is just smiling and giggling when she was only 2 months old.  L would tell me that my daughter was there visiting my niece.  I remember her saying that it was unfair that her little girl lost her best friend and her cousin and that it was totally unfair.  My daughter and my niece looked like twins we have pictures of them that if you put them in black and white you couldn't tell which one it was.  We mourned together I got to go spend the weekend with her and her daughters while I was on FMLA and my hubby went back to work.  We stayed in her big bed talking until 1 in the morning.  I will never forget that she was my big sister that I had missed so much because we had not done that since she lived at home and I was just a little girl when she got married.  I love my sister so much and I'm so grateful to be her little sister and her hero.  I'm so grateful for the love my sister has shown us these last couple of months inviting us over for Sunday dinners and just being able to go over and hang out with her beautiful family.  I love my sister so much and I can't wait until we are mums age and we get lost going on adventures together.

So even though that I'm not an lonely only child...  I'm glad I have my big sister.

Today quotes are going to be for my sister...

A sister is one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. 

 

A sister is a gift from God, sent from above to make life worthwhile.

something new

I don't know what to call this blog yet??? So I'm just going to begin typing and see where my fingers take me.  I'm feeling inspired a month over due... ha ha.  I really wanted to do this last month but life happens and so with life I couldn't really hang out on my blog for the time to get one typed in... 
  
    So my inspiration comes from a fellow blogger A Spoonful Of Sugar this fellow blogger the month of January did a post a day about what she was grateful for.  I loved going and checking her blog everyday to see what she was grateful for.  It helped me see that I have so much to grateful for also.  I'm going to make the month of March my gratitude month.  Everyday I'm going to post about something I'm grateful for that day.  I hope that this fellow blogger doesn't mind that I'm taking her idea. 

    I just have to say this is the time of the month that I become a little reclusive to my hubby and my family and friends...  I even become a little bit of a brat.  I don't mean to.  I go into my little hole because this is the hardest week of a month.  This is the time that I think my little girl would be so old.  But instead this is the time that I come down on myself and wish that I had my little baby with me and life is totally unfair.  So if I have hurt anyone's feelings this last week or offended anyone it is because I'm just in pain and mourning for the loss of my little angel.  I know that it has been a couple of months now and I should be doing better.  I am I promise you that I am.  It is just that I see so many things about babies everywhere and I just wish that my little girl was here so that I could make a cute blog about my baby and not have to write my tale of mourning.  I feel like some people have just forgotten that I have gone through a major loss in my life and that I should be moved on and not care that a mommy of 23 had to put her little girl to rest in a cemetery and not bring her home to be with her...