Thursday, January 27, 2011

plans change

The changing of plans.  I had all these plans in my mind.  I had a plan for when my baby was born.  Yes, a good old plan and how they change.  My plan was going to be me staying at home with the baby for a month and than going back to work for a month and than quit to be a stay at home mommy.  I was so excited about becoming a mommy and quitting my job.  I have been at my job for almost 5 years and I was ready to start something new.  My husband was going to take his month off when I went back to work to be with the baby we work the same shift and so we thought it would be best if we took care of her instead of having someone else watching a newborn at night.  Well that plan changed.  I had a hard couple of weeks I’m not going to sugar coat it.  I was upset with our Heavenly Father I wanted to be a mommy and take care of my child.  I didn’t want to be the one that everyone had to worry about and take care of.

  We went to church not the Sunday after but the next Sunday.  I ran out of the chapel crying right at the beginning of Sacrament.  There was a baby blessing that was going to be happening that day.  I just remember getting up and walking as fast as I can out the door of the chapel.  I was crying so hard I was thinking this is unfair.  I should have been blessing my child with her name and not having to listen as her grandfather dedicated the grave.  I was sitting on the steps outside of the church just sobbing.  My husband sitting next to me saying I know it hurts.  I just kept looking down at my scriptures and praying that I could get the strength to walk back in and enjoy feeling the spirit.  My husband sat by me and just let me cry during those minutes of me praying for strength.  I got the strength to go back into church but it was after the baby blessing.  We didn’t go back into the chapel instead we sat on the couches received the sacrament.  We didn’t enter the chapel when everyone when in to sit down.  We sat on the couches and than there was a young mom out there with one of her sons and I was just sitting there watching.  I knew that her husband was in the chapel just sitting and waiting for them to return to be with them.  I thought in my mind my little girl is just sitting up there waiting for me knowing that I will be with her in just a short time but for her mommy it just seems like a long time.  I know that when I wait for someone it seems like an eternity before they return but I always know that they will return to be with me.  I wonder if it is the same way for my daughter.

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