Strength

My life is all about STRENGTH. I may have a cute hubby and a cute little girl but mostly my life is all about strength.  I have hit a point where people think it should be a time for me to move on with losing my little angel.  Others who have lost say there is no time that goes by that your heart hurts. It has been almost 3 years since I lost my little angel and my heart mourns for her still.  I want so much to be a mother of two little girls who can play and be friends. I see my little girl playing and I wish that her big sister was here with her to play with her. I'm a mom who lost a baby and there will always be a hole in my heart that I will never get back.

It still takes strength daily to get out of bed to go see my smiling happy girl. (I have panic attacks if she isn't awake yet when I get out of my room)  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to walk out the door everyday to go to work.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to not cry at all the songs that remind me of my little girl.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to care for others and let them in my heart.  When it does my love just gets stronger.  I wish it didn't take so long for people to let them in my heart but it does.
I mourn more than most people.  I don't think people understand why. My life was shattered in a second and I wish that upon no one.

I wish I was stronger when I needed to be stronger.  Instead my body had a major panic attack and that is not okay by me. I wish I could of been the person I was four years ago when my anxiety didn't jump in and take over my life and take control over my life.  My strength that has been built up for the last three years but it wasn't strong enough for me on Sunday when I needed it the most.

I'm once again in mourning but this time it is a happy mourning.  Just a hard one because in my heart I did everything I could and I still lost.

I have another angel in my heart I took care of her, I loved her as if she could be my daughter if I was 50 years older. (I work with the mentally handicap and I love them all so much) I lost one of my ladies on Sunday.  I have only worked with her for a couple of months during the day but I took care of her for 2 years at night. I will miss her.

Strength is something we all have we just don't realize how much we have of it when its not needed but once we need it you feel it.  You can feel it run throughout your body just to pick up your foot just to take a step.

My strength is always with me during July-August. I always  put on a happy face for people but if they really asked me how I was doing and wanted to hear how I was.  They would know that for 6 weeks during the summer I remember everything that happened.  I remember the month before my little angel L had her baby bump pictures taken.  I remember holding my cute little niece as a newborn with Little L in me and how she would kick and kick.  I remember the feeling of wanting my baby so much.  I remember the doctor telling me that my baby had died. I remember seeing her and just wishing that we would hear a cry come from her.  It didn't happen. I remember holding her and just loving on her as people came to see her and meet her.

My strength is always up during these six weeks but I wasn't prepared for having to rely on it again so much.  So my thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the lady that we lost on Sunday. 

feelings

'I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties." 

-Richard G. Scott

It is coming up on two years of loosing our little angel L our life has changed in the two years.  After our angels funeral my hubby and I were on a drive talking about the precious spirit we get to be parents of and how she is already in the celestial kingdom and we don't have to worry about her getting there but us getting there.  We also talked about goals we would like to see us accomplish before having another baby.  One of them was buying a house so that we would be able to start our family in a home of our own.  I was thinking okay we can do that I didn't want to have another baby for a long time...  Well we are moved into our home we have a little sister to our little angel L.  Is my life easier now that I have a baby to hold in my arms.  Well in the aspect of being a new parent I'm learning everyday what it takes to be a good mom to her.  I do still miss my little angel L I will always wonder about how different life would be if she were here would we of had this joy of our little baby Z in our lives right now or not.  I had forgotten about this quote I just unpacked my journal I guess that is why I keep a blog.  I put quotes on the inside cover of my journal whenever I get a new one I pick out ones that make me smile, make me think, and make me feel loved.  This is one of the quotes I put in my journal when I first got it.  I got this journal right out of high school (bad journal keeper I know!) and this one of the quotes I put in it for the new experiences in my life.  If I could of told myself that 5 years after graduating high school I would of had a still born I wouldn't of believed it but somewhere the spirit prompted me to put this quote in it.  I do have to say at first after loosing my baby I was ANGRY with Heavenly Father He had taken away another spirit from joining our family.  I than asked WHY is this happening to me does He not trust me. 

Around my little angels first birthday (I was barely pregnant again) I started thinking what does He want me to learn from loosing my little angel.

•   I have friends that are infertile and for some weird reason I keep meeting people that are infertile.  So I thought maybe I'm learning compassion for these beautiful women who don't know what it is like to have a baby and the heartache of not being able to have a baby.  I have learned that these women are amazing one of my best friends just finalized her adoption to her little girl in May and they were sealed as a family in July.  I look up to her in so many ways she is truly a loving mother to this little girl and this little girl looks at her and knows that she is her mommy.  My friend may not of had the feeling of knowing what it feels like to have that baby inside her but my friend knows the feeling of holding that baby in her arms and giving her the love that babies give to their parents.
•  I had a friend who had a still born in this last year and I got to learn more about how caring and sweet my mom and my sister are.  This friend even though I'm so busy now being back to work full time and taking care of my daughter when I'm home.  My friend has told me "j, to see you so happy with Z is a huge inspiration to me....thanks for all you do...♥." I can lead by example this friend is in my thoughts and prayers daily.
• I was there to comfort my brother when he had lost his little boy and I have been there to welcome with him the life of his beautiful daughter.
• A friend on Facebook on her status asked if she already knew the risk of loosing the baby early in her pregnancy should she still do it.  A lot of people commented on it saying Yes because they couldn't live with out their babies.  I commented saying I didn't know I was going to loose my little girl at 38 weeks and how it is the hardest heart ache I have ever had and I'm still mourning the loss of my angel.  But I said Yes, I would still do it all over again.  (is that what happened before I came here to earth I was asked if I would be a mom to a spirit who would just need a body and not the trial of earth did I say Yes knowing that it was such an honor to do it for a spirit)
• I have learned to be grateful to be a mother to a perfect angel, I'm grateful for the compassion that I have learned.  I'm so grateful that the Lord did TRUST in ME  enough to be able to give me this trial and to know that I would make it through it.

   Well this being said I have been on the blogs of my followers and this blogger is needing prayers for her babies.  She was pregnant with triplets after a fertility treatment well she just lost one of the babies and she is still pregnant with the two others she needs prayers to comfort her and be with her babies. My mom and I started praying for her when we found out that she was pregnant with triplets how amazing is that after loosing her little girl.  I cried at work once I read that she lost her little baby boy my prayers and thoughts are with her and her family.  I pray that she can stay positive for these two babies and that these babies may join their family and will be able to be raised by them.  I don't know her personally but I love her and am sending her hugs and lots of prayers.

Thursday is my little angels second birthday and I know that we will be celebrating her life even if was a short one that was lived in me.  But we got to know her and the love that she has for us in the short time we got to be with her.

Missing...

My little Angel L is missed more than ever lately I look at her baby sister and I see the same nose and cheeks.  I do wonder why I couldn't have the chance to watch my little angel L grow up.  I have told little miss Z (baby sister) about her older sister but I think that little miss Z is telling me a lot more about her sister.  My friend told me that her little cousin said when babies are talking they are telling us about heaven.  I believe it I think miss Z is telling me all about her big sister.  It was fun to see little miss Z get up to 6 pounds 6 ounces and see how truly much they look like sisters.

I love my little angel L and I do miss her when I'm reading GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU to her little sister I cry every time I get to the last page.  My heart hurts every time because I wish I could be reading it to a little walking baby and to little miss Z.  I know that I am though because I know our angel is watching out for her little sister and for her family.

little angels

Thinking of all the little angels that are in heaven and watching over their loved ones.

I miss my little angel within the last two weeks I have been in the room where we heard the news that she was going to be a still born.  I have been in the room where I delivered my little angel.  I have done very well with just being able to say it is just a room and I shouldn't fear a room because of the memories that I have.  But being in the room where I delivered my little girl was me being on the other side of the situation.  I was able to be there and support a friend.  I was also there with my older sister.  I remember my sister coming up to me when I was in the bed and taking care of her little sister.  I remember her pulling my hair back while I was in labor because my hair was in my face and putting it in a ponytail.  I was once again amazed as I watched my sister be there and just share her love with others.

 I know that little angels are watching us from heaven... but I know there are angels here on earth.

 

Me? A guest

I was so grateful to be asked by another fellow blogger to do an interview for her blog.  I want to say thank you to this blogger for asking me.  The fellow blogger is infertilemormonmommy her blog is a wonderful blog to read. 

go check out my interview here

I also shared a new picture.

OUR LITTLE ANGEL IS BEING THE BEST BIG SISTER ALREADY!!! 

Hubby and I found out in July that we were pregnant we found out yesterday what we were going to be having.  We are going to be having another little girl.  I know our little angel is already up there watching over me and her sister. 

I have a new blog for the pregnancy if you would like to read it you can go HERE

Comfort Words

(warning long blog post: if you don't have the time to read the article just read the pink quotes and than my thoughts at the end of this article.  If you have the time to read this I encourage you to do so.)

Joseph Smith talked to Parents who lose children in death will receive them in the resurrection just as they laid them down.

At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet said: “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …
“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”5
“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6
“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”7
President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …
“In 1854, I met with my aunt [Agnes Smith], the wife of my uncle, Don Carlos Smith, who was the mother of that little girl [Sophronia] that Joseph Smith, the Prophet, was speaking about, when he told the mother that she should have the joy, the pleasure, and the satisfaction of rearing that child, after the resurrection, until it reached the full stature of its spirit; and that it would be a far greater joy than she could possibly have in mortality, because she would be free from the sorrow and fear and disabilities of mortal life, and she would know more than she could know in this life. I met that widow, the mother of that child, and she told me this circumstance and bore testimony to me that this was what the Prophet Joseph Smith said when he was speaking at the funeral of her little daughter.”8
Mary Isabella Horne and Leonora Cannon Taylor each lost a young child in death. Sister Horne recalled that the Prophet Joseph Smith gave the two sisters these words of comfort: “He told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and that they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers.”

 (SOURCE) 

I was missing my little angel today.  I was sitting in church listening to the Missionaries talk about the trials that we go through.  I was thinking about my little angel and how I wish she could be with us.  We than sang Come, Come Ye Saints...

And should we die before our journey’s through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too
(source) 
 I started to cry yes full on cry... I had to wipe away my tears.  I had a wonderful feeling come over me.  My daughter doesn't have to live through the stress and trials of what is going to come.  Instead she gets to greet me and I will than to get to raise her free from sorrow and fear of our mortal life.  I love her so much and I just miss her.
  

It's up and running

My new blog is up and running... I don't have any buttons yet or anything fancy smancy just a couple of new posts here is the link:

http://stepatatime-pregnancy.blogspot.com/ 

This new blog is about us trying to get pregnant again and when we do I can post about my pregnancy so that is why that is the name.

plans

I have become a blogger addict.  I'm working on a new Step At A Time Blog this one is dedicated to my daughter and I want to have a blog that is a little more personal with you followers of this blog.  I don't know when I'm going to open it up for the public right now it is private so that I can work on it and make it the way I would like it when I feel like it is complete I will post a blog on here to let you know and you can head on over and read the new blog.  I will keep this blog going because I will need to still write down my feelings about my daughter.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm in the middle of Brainstorming for a new blog.

Happy 4th of July

*I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July*

Just some thoughts

  I haven't really been writing down how I'm doing since the birth of my daughter.  This is how I have been feeling...
 * I laugh
 * I smile
 * I live
 * I love
 * I'm Happy
 * I'm Sad
 for the most part I keep on living my life.

My road trip by myself was wonderful.  I had a great time being able to see my friend and her little newborn baby.  I had a great time snuggling up to the cute little baby.
It is nice knowing that I can go on a road trip by myself and being able to have a fun journey.  I got to sing loudly to my music in the car.  I got to enjoy the beauty of the mountains and the open fields.  I got to enjoy the rain to the sunshine on the way there and the way back.  I'm proud to say I can drive through a heavy rainstorm and come out on the other side with the sun.  I loved Winnie-the-Pooh when I was little I remember watching the cartoon when I was little.  Well whenever I see rain clouds I think of the song Winnie-the-Pooh bear sings "I'm just a little black rain cloud..." I always picture the page or the cartoon when he covers himself up and sings the song to get to the honey bees.  The page and the cartoon it is a beautiful day around him.  I always think well I know somewhere beyond this little rain cloud the sun is out and shining and it will shine sometime soon.  My life has had a little rain cloud hanging over me since my daughter.  Some days I have the little rain cloud other days I have the sun.  It was such a nice feeling to drive through the rain and see the sun shining.  I know that one day it will be just the sun shining.  I wanted to tell you about Winnie-the-Pooh because when we were first married I bought some cute little quotes on pieces of wood to decorate our first apartment.  Well the decoration eventually came to live in my daughters nursery because I just wanted a saying of Winnie-the-Pooh for my little girl to be able to look at and read.
here is the quote...

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you."
— A.A. Milne

I read this when I got home from the hospital and it was such a great little comfort my friend when she came over one day took a picture of it because she thought it was such a cute saying.  We now have it hanging up in our hallway in our new place and whenever I see it this is a simple reminder.  So going on this road trip I wasn't alone and I had the company of my daughter watching over me.

as for my journey through this it is still a step at a time.

I walk a little braver, I'm stronger than what I believe.

Quote of the day

just EXCITED!

I just have to say this...

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT MY LITTLE ROAD TRIP COMING UP!!!



THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO ON MY ROAD TRIP

*seeing one of my best friends
*getting to hold a new born
*getting some good fun girl time
*being able to take my time getting there
*being able to have time to think and ponder about life

ME

 I have been thinking that I need to share a little bit about me to show that I truly am going through this experience.  I have shared the story of my daughter, the story of us.  But I haven't really sat down and wrote about me.  I made this blog so that someone could come and see that they are not going through loosing a baby alone.  Someone else is going through the same thing and they are not alone.  I still am telling my story.  But I'm also getting better.  I love my daughter I think of her daily but I don't want to dwell on the what if's?  I have the days that I go through the what if's in life they are not the best days.  

What is?

• your favorite COLOR?  > if you asked me a year ago I could of told you it is red.  It matters on the shade of red.  if you asked me this question ten months ago I would of told you pink.  ask me today what my favorite color is and I would I have to go with YELLOW, BLUE, and GREEN.
• your favorite FOOD? > if you asked me a year ago I would of said steak, or a pot roast cooked in the crock pot.  if you asked me this question ten months ago I would of said Watermelon with Salt on it.  ask me today what my favorite food is I would have to return to steak.
• your favorite CANDY BAR? > if you asked me a year ago I would of said m&m's.  if you asked me this question ten months ago I would of said jolly ranchers, chewy fruit candies and no chocolate unless it is a butterfinger.  ask me today what my favorite candy bar is I would have to say anything with Chocolate.

What is?

• your least favorite COLOR? > my least favorite color right now is purple.
• your least favorite FOOD? > my least favorite food would have to be ___________ I'll let you know when I get one.
• your least favorite CANDY BAR? > my least favorite candy bar is anything with dark chocolate.

Why the changes with my favorites because I get new experiences every couple of months and my life is always changing.  I also wanted to write about the things that I was craving when I was pregnant with my daughter and the things that are now my favorites.
My favorite color is the only one I really want to explain.  I have always changed my mind with colors since I can remember so it is fun to see them change.  My favorite color was pink all last year whenever I saw anything pink I wanted it.  I know the reason why it was pink because my favorite color when I was little was pink and I wanted my daughter to love pink also.  Yellow is now one of my favorite colors and that is because my daughter wore a yellow dress and she shined in that dress.  Green is because her blanket that is behind my pillow is green and that is the last thing I see before I go to sleep.  Blue because if it blue sky's outside it is the perfect day to be outside and enjoying the weather.

*sorry that the post was so long but I just wanted you to know a little bit more about me  

life and goals

I want to set some goals for me.  I have been sleeping a lot lately.  I'm not liking how much I sleep.  It is making it so that I don't have enough time to clean, go see my family, and friends.  It could be because I have been missing my baby a lot more usually.  I also think that I'm stressed one night each week I dread going into work.  I have been clenching my teeth I have never clenched my teeth.  I find myself having to open my mouth so that it can relax and not clench.  My jaw is currently hurting because I found myself clenching my teeth 5 minutes ago.  I don't know if it is stress/depression that is getting to me.  So I find myself wanting to have some goals in motion.

          GOALS:

• to stop drinking caffeine. drink more water.
• to start going walking in the mornings after work.
• to start looking for the positives in work.
• to do a half an hour of cleaning each day.

I'm just going to do some simple feel good goals for right now.

Maybe doing small things will help with my sleeping problem and also my teeth clenching.  Who knows  I guess I will see changes soon hopefully.

On a happy note one of my best friends had her baby.  The friend who I threw the baby shower for had her baby so I will be taking a trip up to see her and her baby next week.  I'm excited/scared.  Excited to see my friend.  Scared because this is the longest trip I will have ever taken by myself.

counting blessings

I haven't been blogging much and I'm sorry for that I have been working on a project instead and I'm happy to say it is finally complete.  Have you heard of shutterfly it is a website where you can make books, cards, get prints and more.  Well my hubs computer died in February the week we were moving perfect timing and he needed one for school.  We went to get him a new computer and with the new computer shutterfly for a promo added to his computer package to get a free 8x8 book.  That was in February I know and it is now the end of May.  For the free book I have been making a scrapbook for our daughter.  It has been one BIG project and I'm so happy that I got it complete.  The one downside to this website is the text box.   You can't hit copy and paste.  I wrote my daughter a letter while I was in the hospital with her and I wanted to add it I already had it typed up it was 6 pages single space and I couldn't copy and paste.  I also had to go through and shorten some of the letter.  I have been working on typing that up and than going through it over and over to make sure there were no little mistakes.
  Along with that project I planned one of my best friends baby shower.  It was fun to give my friend that shower and to see the happiness on her face.  It was lots of fun.  This month has been full of the ups and full of the downs.  The Saturday before Mothers day a local venue let the families that have angel babies come and walk around the gardens.  I went with my mom, sister and her baby.  It was a nice day and it was fun to be out with them.  I work midnights so that night is when it really really hit me.  I missed my little girl more than anything.  All I could think about is how big she would be, if she would love to cuddle and give kisses.  My hubby also was missing her so we both had a cry that morning for our daughter.  It was a hard holiday to go through.  We went and saw our moms and gave them flowers.  My hubby gave me a necklace with the birthstone of our daughters birth month.
  Memorial day is today and lets just say Mothers day feelings are coming back.  Memorial day has always been a go put some flowers on Grandpa's grave than get together with families.  This year we have flowers to buy for 3 graves and my heart is hurting.  I never thought I would have to go put flowers on a grave for my daughter.  I never thought I would have to get flowers for a nephew who is up in heaven with my daughter.  My heart is aching today.

Our Anniversary

My hubby and I have made it to our 3 year anniversary and we both have an eternity to go with each other.  In other words were stuck like glue to one another.  We had a wonderful anniversary together.  We went on a over night stay.  It was wonderful to get away and be with each other.  The first day it was rainy so we stayed in and had fun going seeing all the other resorts.  The next day the sun came out to shine.  We got to go do our tradition we do every year we go to the Zoo to see all the animals.  It was really fun.  On May 3 this year our local zoo had 2 new lemurs born.  We got to see them when they were three weeks old and they were so cute.  Their little hands were bigger than their heads.  It was fun to walk around the zoo in the warm weather.

 

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived."
~ Meet Joe Black

 

 

 

The best decision

The best decision I have ever made...
choosing my hubby and getting married to him in a LDS Temple so that we could be together for an eternity with each other and our family.

My hubby and I have our 3 year anniversary coming up this weekend.  Last year when we were planning what we were going to be doing for our 2 year anniversary we decided we would go out of town and go on one last getaway before our little girl was born.  We planned a night stay at a resort we went to the Zoo and just walked around loving the time we were going to be having with each other before our little one came... August really showed me how blessed I was to have said yes to my hubby...

 This year was a hard year for us and I'm just grateful to be able to say we made it through to another year and we have eternity to go.

 So to celebrate another year we have decided we are going to go on a overnight stay and go on another adventure.  Because life with my hubby is always an adventure and we have learned that we can stick together through the wonderful times and the hardest times.

Everyone always say they have the best hubby but I TRULY DO HAVE THE BEST HUSBAND IN ALL OF THE WORLD!!!

I remember the day my hubby got home from his mission seeing him for the first time in two years and still having my heart do flips because I was still so much in love with him.  I remember a week later talking about getting married and than two weeks later telling our families that we were in love and that we wanted to get married.  I remember the night I got asked the question and getting asked with a ring pop.  I remember the night before getting married going and meeting his brother and his wife and kids.  I remember my fiance walking me out to my car giving me a hug and telling me that he loved me and he was so excited for the next day.  I remember getting home and spending time with my mom and my family.  I remember when my fiance called me one last time before I saw him at the temple the next day asking if I remember the importance of that day. I couldn't remember until he brought up the event that had inspired me to go to the temple when I was 18 and getting the feeling that I was going to soon meet my future husband and three years later I was going to marry on that same day I got the feeling that I was going to meet my future husband.  I remember the smile on my hubby's face after we said I do.  I remember thinking this is the first day of eternity with my hubby.  I remember the smile on his face when I told him I was pregnant the first time and than how he held me when we found out that I was having a miscarriage.  I remember the second time I told him I was pregnant.  I was to excited to wait to tell him and he had a friend over so I took a picture of the positive and showed him I saw the smile appear again.  The smile that I love.  I remember being in a dark room when we saw our baby on the screen and seeing tears of joy come down my husbands face when we found out we were going to be having a baby girl.  I remember the look on his face when he learned that our daughter was no longer with us.  I remember the smile and seeing his heart melt when he held her for the first time.  I remember him holding me and letting me cry for the loss of our child.  I remember my hubby saying aren't we blessed to have such a perfect spirit to cheer us on towards the Celestial Kingdom.  I remember that the Savior is the one who has given us the most sacred wedding gift of all and that His gift is still blessing our lives daily.

For our three year anniversary we are going to celebrate our love and our family.

Dreams

source

     I just wanted to make a post about what I have been dreaming about for the last couple of days...  One is fairies I believe in them so much.  I remember as a little girl thinking there were fairies in the garden taking care of the flowers.  I believed there was a troll that lived in the canal under a bridge.  I know that it was my great imagination at play but I still do believe in the fairies coming down and sprinkling their dust on the flowers so that they will grow.

    Another reason I wanted to post this post is because I have been dreaming again about the day that I will be a mom again.  I don't know when that will be that is all up to our Heavenly Father to decide when to send down another precious spirit to join our family.  But in my dreaming I have had a good dream that a little girl whenever she might come will have a fairy themed room.  I love the idea of the fairy room because that way we can still have the things we had for our sweet little angel that we will be able to share the love of her older sister with her.  

 

Why I write...

I have been posting saying that I will write more of my story.  When I was talking to my hubby about how I don't know what to post about.  In the conversation with my hubby he said you write when you are in pain and this is how you deal with grieving.  I can say that is true whenever something big happens to me I either sleep so that I can't remember the details or I write every little thing that I can think of down.  I prefer the second choice I would rather be able to write and share my memories than just bury them and forget about them.


I have been thinking about what stories I would like to share about my daughter.  I have racked my brain over over and over again but I can't think of anything.  I have shared so many memories about my daughter and our story.  All the other stories I could tell are personal to my hubby and me.

I'm going to be writing more and more about my daily living and how I am starting to live again.  My days have turned into looking for something I can have joy about and not pity me party.  Even though I am having hard times falling asleep and than getting out of bed.  Some days I just think I will stay in bed and not get out.  After a couple of minutes of petting our cat I get out of bed.  I feel like if I stay in bed I'm letting my daughter down I know that she wants me to live and enjoy life.