feelings

'I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties." 

-Richard G. Scott

It is coming up on two years of loosing our little angel L our life has changed in the two years.  After our angels funeral my hubby and I were on a drive talking about the precious spirit we get to be parents of and how she is already in the celestial kingdom and we don't have to worry about her getting there but us getting there.  We also talked about goals we would like to see us accomplish before having another baby.  One of them was buying a house so that we would be able to start our family in a home of our own.  I was thinking okay we can do that I didn't want to have another baby for a long time...  Well we are moved into our home we have a little sister to our little angel L.  Is my life easier now that I have a baby to hold in my arms.  Well in the aspect of being a new parent I'm learning everyday what it takes to be a good mom to her.  I do still miss my little angel L I will always wonder about how different life would be if she were here would we of had this joy of our little baby Z in our lives right now or not.  I had forgotten about this quote I just unpacked my journal I guess that is why I keep a blog.  I put quotes on the inside cover of my journal whenever I get a new one I pick out ones that make me smile, make me think, and make me feel loved.  This is one of the quotes I put in my journal when I first got it.  I got this journal right out of high school (bad journal keeper I know!) and this one of the quotes I put in it for the new experiences in my life.  If I could of told myself that 5 years after graduating high school I would of had a still born I wouldn't of believed it but somewhere the spirit prompted me to put this quote in it.  I do have to say at first after loosing my baby I was ANGRY with Heavenly Father He had taken away another spirit from joining our family.  I than asked WHY is this happening to me does He not trust me. 

Around my little angels first birthday (I was barely pregnant again) I started thinking what does He want me to learn from loosing my little angel.

•   I have friends that are infertile and for some weird reason I keep meeting people that are infertile.  So I thought maybe I'm learning compassion for these beautiful women who don't know what it is like to have a baby and the heartache of not being able to have a baby.  I have learned that these women are amazing one of my best friends just finalized her adoption to her little girl in May and they were sealed as a family in July.  I look up to her in so many ways she is truly a loving mother to this little girl and this little girl looks at her and knows that she is her mommy.  My friend may not of had the feeling of knowing what it feels like to have that baby inside her but my friend knows the feeling of holding that baby in her arms and giving her the love that babies give to their parents.
•  I had a friend who had a still born in this last year and I got to learn more about how caring and sweet my mom and my sister are.  This friend even though I'm so busy now being back to work full time and taking care of my daughter when I'm home.  My friend has told me "j, to see you so happy with Z is a huge inspiration to me....thanks for all you do...♥." I can lead by example this friend is in my thoughts and prayers daily.
• I was there to comfort my brother when he had lost his little boy and I have been there to welcome with him the life of his beautiful daughter.
• A friend on Facebook on her status asked if she already knew the risk of loosing the baby early in her pregnancy should she still do it.  A lot of people commented on it saying Yes because they couldn't live with out their babies.  I commented saying I didn't know I was going to loose my little girl at 38 weeks and how it is the hardest heart ache I have ever had and I'm still mourning the loss of my angel.  But I said Yes, I would still do it all over again.  (is that what happened before I came here to earth I was asked if I would be a mom to a spirit who would just need a body and not the trial of earth did I say Yes knowing that it was such an honor to do it for a spirit)
• I have learned to be grateful to be a mother to a perfect angel, I'm grateful for the compassion that I have learned.  I'm so grateful that the Lord did TRUST in ME  enough to be able to give me this trial and to know that I would make it through it.

   Well this being said I have been on the blogs of my followers and this blogger is needing prayers for her babies.  She was pregnant with triplets after a fertility treatment well she just lost one of the babies and she is still pregnant with the two others she needs prayers to comfort her and be with her babies. My mom and I started praying for her when we found out that she was pregnant with triplets how amazing is that after loosing her little girl.  I cried at work once I read that she lost her little baby boy my prayers and thoughts are with her and her family.  I pray that she can stay positive for these two babies and that these babies may join their family and will be able to be raised by them.  I don't know her personally but I love her and am sending her hugs and lots of prayers.

Thursday is my little angels second birthday and I know that we will be celebrating her life even if was a short one that was lived in me.  But we got to know her and the love that she has for us in the short time we got to be with her.