Strength

My life is all about STRENGTH. I may have a cute hubby and a cute little girl but mostly my life is all about strength.  I have hit a point where people think it should be a time for me to move on with losing my little angel.  Others who have lost say there is no time that goes by that your heart hurts. It has been almost 3 years since I lost my little angel and my heart mourns for her still.  I want so much to be a mother of two little girls who can play and be friends. I see my little girl playing and I wish that her big sister was here with her to play with her. I'm a mom who lost a baby and there will always be a hole in my heart that I will never get back.

It still takes strength daily to get out of bed to go see my smiling happy girl. (I have panic attacks if she isn't awake yet when I get out of my room)  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to walk out the door everyday to go to work.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to not cry at all the songs that remind me of my little girl.  I wish it didn't but it does.
It still takes strength for me to care for others and let them in my heart.  When it does my love just gets stronger.  I wish it didn't take so long for people to let them in my heart but it does.
I mourn more than most people.  I don't think people understand why. My life was shattered in a second and I wish that upon no one.

I wish I was stronger when I needed to be stronger.  Instead my body had a major panic attack and that is not okay by me. I wish I could of been the person I was four years ago when my anxiety didn't jump in and take over my life and take control over my life.  My strength that has been built up for the last three years but it wasn't strong enough for me on Sunday when I needed it the most.

I'm once again in mourning but this time it is a happy mourning.  Just a hard one because in my heart I did everything I could and I still lost.

I have another angel in my heart I took care of her, I loved her as if she could be my daughter if I was 50 years older. (I work with the mentally handicap and I love them all so much) I lost one of my ladies on Sunday.  I have only worked with her for a couple of months during the day but I took care of her for 2 years at night. I will miss her.

Strength is something we all have we just don't realize how much we have of it when its not needed but once we need it you feel it.  You can feel it run throughout your body just to pick up your foot just to take a step.

My strength is always with me during July-August. I always  put on a happy face for people but if they really asked me how I was doing and wanted to hear how I was.  They would know that for 6 weeks during the summer I remember everything that happened.  I remember the month before my little angel L had her baby bump pictures taken.  I remember holding my cute little niece as a newborn with Little L in me and how she would kick and kick.  I remember the feeling of wanting my baby so much.  I remember the doctor telling me that my baby had died. I remember seeing her and just wishing that we would hear a cry come from her.  It didn't happen. I remember holding her and just loving on her as people came to see her and meet her.

My strength is always up during these six weeks but I wasn't prepared for having to rely on it again so much.  So my thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the lady that we lost on Sunday. 

feelings

'I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience.  I believe that it is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties." 

-Richard G. Scott

It is coming up on two years of loosing our little angel L our life has changed in the two years.  After our angels funeral my hubby and I were on a drive talking about the precious spirit we get to be parents of and how she is already in the celestial kingdom and we don't have to worry about her getting there but us getting there.  We also talked about goals we would like to see us accomplish before having another baby.  One of them was buying a house so that we would be able to start our family in a home of our own.  I was thinking okay we can do that I didn't want to have another baby for a long time...  Well we are moved into our home we have a little sister to our little angel L.  Is my life easier now that I have a baby to hold in my arms.  Well in the aspect of being a new parent I'm learning everyday what it takes to be a good mom to her.  I do still miss my little angel L I will always wonder about how different life would be if she were here would we of had this joy of our little baby Z in our lives right now or not.  I had forgotten about this quote I just unpacked my journal I guess that is why I keep a blog.  I put quotes on the inside cover of my journal whenever I get a new one I pick out ones that make me smile, make me think, and make me feel loved.  This is one of the quotes I put in my journal when I first got it.  I got this journal right out of high school (bad journal keeper I know!) and this one of the quotes I put in it for the new experiences in my life.  If I could of told myself that 5 years after graduating high school I would of had a still born I wouldn't of believed it but somewhere the spirit prompted me to put this quote in it.  I do have to say at first after loosing my baby I was ANGRY with Heavenly Father He had taken away another spirit from joining our family.  I than asked WHY is this happening to me does He not trust me. 

Around my little angels first birthday (I was barely pregnant again) I started thinking what does He want me to learn from loosing my little angel.

•   I have friends that are infertile and for some weird reason I keep meeting people that are infertile.  So I thought maybe I'm learning compassion for these beautiful women who don't know what it is like to have a baby and the heartache of not being able to have a baby.  I have learned that these women are amazing one of my best friends just finalized her adoption to her little girl in May and they were sealed as a family in July.  I look up to her in so many ways she is truly a loving mother to this little girl and this little girl looks at her and knows that she is her mommy.  My friend may not of had the feeling of knowing what it feels like to have that baby inside her but my friend knows the feeling of holding that baby in her arms and giving her the love that babies give to their parents.
•  I had a friend who had a still born in this last year and I got to learn more about how caring and sweet my mom and my sister are.  This friend even though I'm so busy now being back to work full time and taking care of my daughter when I'm home.  My friend has told me "j, to see you so happy with Z is a huge inspiration to me....thanks for all you do...♥." I can lead by example this friend is in my thoughts and prayers daily.
• I was there to comfort my brother when he had lost his little boy and I have been there to welcome with him the life of his beautiful daughter.
• A friend on Facebook on her status asked if she already knew the risk of loosing the baby early in her pregnancy should she still do it.  A lot of people commented on it saying Yes because they couldn't live with out their babies.  I commented saying I didn't know I was going to loose my little girl at 38 weeks and how it is the hardest heart ache I have ever had and I'm still mourning the loss of my angel.  But I said Yes, I would still do it all over again.  (is that what happened before I came here to earth I was asked if I would be a mom to a spirit who would just need a body and not the trial of earth did I say Yes knowing that it was such an honor to do it for a spirit)
• I have learned to be grateful to be a mother to a perfect angel, I'm grateful for the compassion that I have learned.  I'm so grateful that the Lord did TRUST in ME  enough to be able to give me this trial and to know that I would make it through it.

   Well this being said I have been on the blogs of my followers and this blogger is needing prayers for her babies.  She was pregnant with triplets after a fertility treatment well she just lost one of the babies and she is still pregnant with the two others she needs prayers to comfort her and be with her babies. My mom and I started praying for her when we found out that she was pregnant with triplets how amazing is that after loosing her little girl.  I cried at work once I read that she lost her little baby boy my prayers and thoughts are with her and her family.  I pray that she can stay positive for these two babies and that these babies may join their family and will be able to be raised by them.  I don't know her personally but I love her and am sending her hugs and lots of prayers.

Thursday is my little angels second birthday and I know that we will be celebrating her life even if was a short one that was lived in me.  But we got to know her and the love that she has for us in the short time we got to be with her.

Missing...

My little Angel L is missed more than ever lately I look at her baby sister and I see the same nose and cheeks.  I do wonder why I couldn't have the chance to watch my little angel L grow up.  I have told little miss Z (baby sister) about her older sister but I think that little miss Z is telling me a lot more about her sister.  My friend told me that her little cousin said when babies are talking they are telling us about heaven.  I believe it I think miss Z is telling me all about her big sister.  It was fun to see little miss Z get up to 6 pounds 6 ounces and see how truly much they look like sisters.

I love my little angel L and I do miss her when I'm reading GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU to her little sister I cry every time I get to the last page.  My heart hurts every time because I wish I could be reading it to a little walking baby and to little miss Z.  I know that I am though because I know our angel is watching out for her little sister and for her family.

little angels

Thinking of all the little angels that are in heaven and watching over their loved ones.

I miss my little angel within the last two weeks I have been in the room where we heard the news that she was going to be a still born.  I have been in the room where I delivered my little angel.  I have done very well with just being able to say it is just a room and I shouldn't fear a room because of the memories that I have.  But being in the room where I delivered my little girl was me being on the other side of the situation.  I was able to be there and support a friend.  I was also there with my older sister.  I remember my sister coming up to me when I was in the bed and taking care of her little sister.  I remember her pulling my hair back while I was in labor because my hair was in my face and putting it in a ponytail.  I was once again amazed as I watched my sister be there and just share her love with others.

 I know that little angels are watching us from heaven... but I know there are angels here on earth.

 

Me? A guest

I was so grateful to be asked by another fellow blogger to do an interview for her blog.  I want to say thank you to this blogger for asking me.  The fellow blogger is infertilemormonmommy her blog is a wonderful blog to read. 

go check out my interview here

I also shared a new picture.

OUR LITTLE ANGEL IS BEING THE BEST BIG SISTER ALREADY!!! 

Hubby and I found out in July that we were pregnant we found out yesterday what we were going to be having.  We are going to be having another little girl.  I know our little angel is already up there watching over me and her sister. 

I have a new blog for the pregnancy if you would like to read it you can go HERE

Comfort Words

(warning long blog post: if you don't have the time to read the article just read the pink quotes and than my thoughts at the end of this article.  If you have the time to read this I encourage you to do so.)

Joseph Smith talked to Parents who lose children in death will receive them in the resurrection just as they laid them down.

At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet said: “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …
“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”5
“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”6
“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”7
President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …
“In 1854, I met with my aunt [Agnes Smith], the wife of my uncle, Don Carlos Smith, who was the mother of that little girl [Sophronia] that Joseph Smith, the Prophet, was speaking about, when he told the mother that she should have the joy, the pleasure, and the satisfaction of rearing that child, after the resurrection, until it reached the full stature of its spirit; and that it would be a far greater joy than she could possibly have in mortality, because she would be free from the sorrow and fear and disabilities of mortal life, and she would know more than she could know in this life. I met that widow, the mother of that child, and she told me this circumstance and bore testimony to me that this was what the Prophet Joseph Smith said when he was speaking at the funeral of her little daughter.”8
Mary Isabella Horne and Leonora Cannon Taylor each lost a young child in death. Sister Horne recalled that the Prophet Joseph Smith gave the two sisters these words of comfort: “He told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and that they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers.”

 (SOURCE) 

I was missing my little angel today.  I was sitting in church listening to the Missionaries talk about the trials that we go through.  I was thinking about my little angel and how I wish she could be with us.  We than sang Come, Come Ye Saints...

And should we die before our journey’s through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too
(source) 
 I started to cry yes full on cry... I had to wipe away my tears.  I had a wonderful feeling come over me.  My daughter doesn't have to live through the stress and trials of what is going to come.  Instead she gets to greet me and I will than to get to raise her free from sorrow and fear of our mortal life.  I love her so much and I just miss her.