Dreams

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     I just wanted to make a post about what I have been dreaming about for the last couple of days...  One is fairies I believe in them so much.  I remember as a little girl thinking there were fairies in the garden taking care of the flowers.  I believed there was a troll that lived in the canal under a bridge.  I know that it was my great imagination at play but I still do believe in the fairies coming down and sprinkling their dust on the flowers so that they will grow.

    Another reason I wanted to post this post is because I have been dreaming again about the day that I will be a mom again.  I don't know when that will be that is all up to our Heavenly Father to decide when to send down another precious spirit to join our family.  But in my dreaming I have had a good dream that a little girl whenever she might come will have a fairy themed room.  I love the idea of the fairy room because that way we can still have the things we had for our sweet little angel that we will be able to share the love of her older sister with her.  

 

Why I write...

I have been posting saying that I will write more of my story.  When I was talking to my hubby about how I don't know what to post about.  In the conversation with my hubby he said you write when you are in pain and this is how you deal with grieving.  I can say that is true whenever something big happens to me I either sleep so that I can't remember the details or I write every little thing that I can think of down.  I prefer the second choice I would rather be able to write and share my memories than just bury them and forget about them.


I have been thinking about what stories I would like to share about my daughter.  I have racked my brain over over and over again but I can't think of anything.  I have shared so many memories about my daughter and our story.  All the other stories I could tell are personal to my hubby and me.

I'm going to be writing more and more about my daily living and how I am starting to live again.  My days have turned into looking for something I can have joy about and not pity me party.  Even though I am having hard times falling asleep and than getting out of bed.  Some days I just think I will stay in bed and not get out.  After a couple of minutes of petting our cat I get out of bed.  I feel like if I stay in bed I'm letting my daughter down I know that she wants me to live and enjoy life. 

I promised a new blog about my story but today than in the middle of the night the midnight snack of cereal was calling for me.  I got out of bed went and poured a bowl of cereal within 2 bites of eating I felt a tang to my tooth than my tooth started to hurt.  I have cavities so I was wondering if there was something that came off the spoon.  No it didn't come off my spoon is was my tooth.  I went to the dentist today and I got some laughing gas.  Laughing gas had the weirdest effect on me for the first time today.  I went home freezing and shaking I climbed into bed and asked my husband if he could go get some soup for my lunch.  After I ate I fell asleep no problem.  I woke up this evening.  I slept the entire afternoon now it is time to go spend with family.  

The Gift Of Compassion

I sit here wondering what to type.  I'm in silence just thinking and pondering over what I would like to write.  I wrote about the Savior and the strength He gives me yesterday.  I still want to write about my strength.  Not just going back to work but just going places and being there for my family and friends.

My mom was so worried about when she would see me smile again when my daughter had died.  My mom worried about when would be the next time she would see me smile.  If her daughter would just crawl up in a ball and not her spirit shine through.  I did think about that when I was walking to the delivery room.  I thought how can my life carry on after this.  Than I saw my mom there beside me taking care of her daughter making sure I was going to be okay.  I just wanted to have the same experience with my daughter the chance to be there for her when she was going to be having her first baby.  That dream had disappeared it was over in a second.  I than thought about how much my mom loves me and how much I love her.
My mom has the most amazing strength I have ever seen.  My mom has cancer but she is curing it the natural way with the things that God has given us instead of man made chemo and radiation.  My mom was misdiagnosed with her cancer when I was in Jr. High.  When my hubby was on his mission I woke up one day to see that both of my parents were gone.  Just one vehicle was missing.  I called their cell phones no answer.  I came home after work.  My parents were still not home.  My parents would tell me if they were going on a spontaneous trip and they would answer their phones.  I went into my room knelt down to the ground and prayed for their safety.  I was worried I asked for comfort.  I than crawled into bed and drifted slowly to sleep still not hearing my parents come home.  The next day I woke up they were back they asked me to come sit down in the living room.  I was sitting next to my mom when she told me that she had cancer.  I grabbed her and cried.  My mom was that example to me.  My mom has so much strength everyday is a miracle with my mom.  I smiled after my daughter was born.  I have stayed strong for her and now I have to stay strong for my mom and my family.
This last Saturday night I got a call from my friend.  My friend called to have me come over to comfort on the worst night of her life.  My friends dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2009.  In November my friend had found out that she was pregnant.  My friend also found out in the same month that  there was nothing they could do for her father.  My friend stayed positive her dream was that her dad was going to hold his first grandchild.  This phone call she could barely talk she asked if I was busy.  I said if you need me I can be there.  She said that she would like that.  I got there and I saw so much pain her eyes.  My friend got the news that night that her dad had passed away from the cancer.  I just sat there and comforted her.  She told me I was called because I was a friend that could comfort.  That has stuck with me.  I'm a friend who can comfort.  I have gone through loosing a daughter and I can still go comfort my friends when they need me the most in their life.
I have to be grateful for the Savior for giving me that strength to still be me.  I can see my sorrows and see my friends sorrow but I can look past my sorrow to be there for her.  Compassion is what the Savior had shown to us and the Savior has given me the gift of compassion.

  Lord, I Would Follow Thee 

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.

   Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
 

I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
  

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
  

hymn 220

    I know that I wrote yesterday saying that I would share more memories of my daughter but this has just been on my mind.

What has been happening to me...

 What has been happening with me lately.  I haven’t blogged about my story for quite some time now.  I want to say that I have been horribly busy and haven’t had the time for it.  In truth I don’t know what really to talk about.  I feel like every time I sit down to write it turns into a pity me story.  I don’t really want that to happen.  But I know that this is something that I should be writing down so that when I look back I can remember the strength that has been shown.  I know that it is the Lord’s strength giving me the will to carry on with my life.  My friend the other night asked me a good question and I’m going to reply to her here.

How do I go to work each night?
When she asked me that I had no clue how to answer that.  I still don’t know how to answer that question.  I have been working on writing this answer for over an hour now.  I don’t know how I have the will to carry on with my life.  I have three things cheering me on. The simple answer is

THE SAVIOR
MY HUSBAND
MY DAUGHTER

1.) THE SAVIOR

  A couple more of like a handful now years ago I read a book about the Atonement.  The book goes into the deep about what happened in Gethsemane.  I decided to read this book because one of my good friends I called her to see if she wanted to hangout and she was crying.  I asked if she was okay she said I’m reading this book and it is just making me realize how much the Savior has really done for us.  I went and bought the book read it.  I love it!  I even sent a copy to my hubby while he was on the mission.  I asked him if he still had the copy he said that he had passed it on.  It truly is a wonderful book.  It sounds like I’m trying to sell a book for someone to read.  I’m not trying to do that.
  I just think that this book has helped me realize that the Savior has really truly felt this pain.  I look towards Him so that He will help me out with the small things of life.  Like getting out of bed, going into work, being a friend when someone needs a friend.
  This horrible trial that I’m going through sucks there is simply no other word for it sucks.  It sucks everything in if you will let it.  This trial could ruin the relationship between husband and wife, it can ruin having a house over your head, it can suck the happiness right out of your life if you let it.             People tell me how much they look up to me because how strong I am.  I’m glad that they can look up to me and I can be an example.  But I just don’t want to take all the credit for it.  It is not me that is strong it is the Savior who has my back.  He has promised me a lifetime plus an eternity with the people I love if I stay strong and do the things which I need to.  The Savior is the one cheering me on.  The Savior is the one giving me the strength to carry on.

2.) MY HUSBAND
    I’m head over heels in love with him.  My heart still aches and so does his.  We have this trial to go through together.  I’m not alone in it and he isn’t alone in it.  I view having to do the small things in life is letting him still see the woman he loves.  I could sit and tell you all the wonderful things he does but than you would be here longer and this is already a long post

3.) MY DAUGHTER
    I want her to be proud of her mom and tell Heavenly Father see how much my mommy loves me.  My mommy can tell my story of my life even though it was a short one to the world and show this trial of hers to the world and not be ashamed of me.

I just want to say to anyone who is going through this trial or any other trial that seems unbearable.  It is hard but you have to look for the positive things in your life that you are willing to fight for or your just going to be sucked in like a vacuum to your trial.

Curious about the book I read it is called:
Gethsemane By: Andrew Skinner 

I'm back I will start telling more of my story tomorrow.

Gratitude

gratitude?  Where did the month go...  I have been thankful for a lot of things this month but yet I have forgotten to post them.  I guess time will fly fast when you are looking for things to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for the chance to see the sun even if it is every once in awhile and getting the chance to do some spring cleaning and washing our car for it to rain the next day.  I'm grateful to be able to plant some flowers and veggies for the summer.  Even if they are now living in the house while the snow is falling.  It just brings beauty into the home.  I'm grateful for our new place.  We have nice landlords who are always fun to talk to.  I'm grateful for being able to have a little patch of land to grow some flowers.  I'm also grateful for my husband and all the many things he is doing to change our family life in the future.  Like for right now that he is going to school to become a teacher so that he will be able to support his little family.  I'm grateful for being able to go pick up my niece and have her come over to have a sleep over.  I love how excited she gets about coming and hanging out with her aunt even if it is for a night and a couple of hours on a Saturday.  When she could say no mom I don't want to go with my aunt I want to hang out with my friends.  I love that she picks me.

Tomorrow there is a festival of colors going on and it is the day to welcome spring can you believe it might be snowing when we are welcoming in spring.  I'm grateful for this crazy weather.

small things...

I'm grateful for all the little small things in life that make you remember the reason to live and go on with your life.  I'm sitting in bed not ready to go to sleep when I feel little paws climbing up to be in the middle of the bed.  It may just be our cat but to me that is a comfort.  One day we will have a little one climbing into bed telling us they had a bad dream.  But for right now it is our 8 pound cat that is training us for that time when our bed is no longer big enough for just my husband and I.

A blog that I follow talk2thetrees had something very sad happen to her.  She had to put her little comfort animal to sleep today.  My heart broke for her when I heard the news.  She has been through a lot these past couple of months and her little dog was there by her side.  I don't know what I would do if I had to put to sleep my little comfort animal that is 8 pounds and takes over our bed at night.  I do know how she is feeling though.  I had to make the decision of putting one of our family dogs to sleep.  I also at the time when I met my husband our family dog that we had since I was just a little girl had a stroke and had to be put to sleep.  I have her in my prayers that she may have comfort and her little doggy angel looking after her.

I'm so grateful for the little things in life that make us who we are!!!