updates

• work... yeah that fun thing we all like to do that has been keeping me busy.
• moving/cleaning/packing... yeah this has me stressed out a lot...  the fact that I have a sick hubby :( and that I work at night and my room doesn't get any sunlight during the day on my days off it is hard for me to wake up to do this CHORE.  The thing that has me the most stressed is that I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to leave my nursery but I know that it will have to be packed up but that is not what I wanted to do so soon.

Sorry for not keeping on track with my blog.  I will try to get it going after the packing and the moving and we don't officially move until the 18th of February so I'm going to put my blog on hold while I move.  Unless I really need to blog about my feelings of taking down the nursery :'(

Thank you 

Why was my daughter was a STILL BORN???

    I got a question asked to me today and the person asked me how come my daughter was a STILL BORN?

   That was a very good question I never really explained why my daughter was a STILL BORN.  I opted out for the autopsy of our daughter and so did my husband.  We however did ask that they ran tests on the placenta they did.  This is the answer I received It was a FREAK ACCIDENT this only happens very seldom.  My daughter didn't have a knot in the umbilical cord.  The doctors only answer was she must of laid on her umbilical cord cutting off everything she needed to survive.  The placenta was extremely healthy.
(I never took a prenatal vitamin because I would throw it back up)

  This is my side of the story...  The last time I felt my daughter move was on Saturday night I watched her as she kicked down her 6 week old cousin on to my legs so she wouldn't be near my belly when I was sitting down with her.  I think my daughter was jealous of my niece because whenever I would hold my niece there would be a kicking storm happening.  Saturday night I went to bed everything was fine I woke up at 1:00 in the morning thinking something was wrong but I blew it off because I just felt a contraction actually happening.  Is that the time when I lost my little girl no one truly knows.  Did a mother intuition kick in like I knew something had happened to my baby no not really.  I do wonder what if... a lot.  Especially since I wonder what the hospital would have done if I showed up and I wasn't really in Labor and all I could tell them is something isn't right would they have just sent me home saying strange pregnant lady she isn't even in active labor yet.

  My sister has an interesting story about my niece I hope she doesn't my mind me sharing.  When we called her to tell her what had happened.  My niece struck a fever a pretty high fever like she needed to go to the hospital fever.  The fever didn't break until my little girl was born.

   My brothers girlfriend the one that also lost her son told me her story of that night today.  I hope she doesn't mind me sharing either.  This is hard for both of us because we are both mommies that have lost their little babies way to soon.  She told me that when they heard the news she started cramping and spotting she was still in the first trimester at that time.  They went to the doctor right after seeing and meeting our little girl.  The doctor said it is most likely that she was going to miscarry.  She stopped cramping and spotting it would happen every once in awhile and than it would just stop.  When they went to another doctors appointment they were told that the placenta wasn't fully attached.  A couple of weeks later her water broke.  We were all in fear of having another still born baby.  But by a little miracle there was enough amniotic fluid around the babies head enough to keep the baby alive.  So she went on to bed rest.  A couple weeks later she went into labor and delivered our nephew who proved to us that baby books are not always right with how big the baby is suppose to be every week.  My nephew was 12 inches long when he should of only have been about 8 inches long also he was a pound and seven ounces.  My little girl was there in the room to greet him.

    My little girl had such a bigger purpose for us than we will ever know.  My little girl is an Angel not just only to me and her daddy.  I know my little girl was there for her cousin that night.  I know my little girl was there for her cousin letting him come and let us meet him.  and now my little girl is with my mom her grandma everyday letting us have a miracle with getting time to spend with my mom.  Not only that but every person that met my daughter family, friends, nurses and whoever said wow she is so beautiful and I'm so glad that I get to hold this little angel in my arms.

This is our BEAUTIFUL daughter!!!

    

The holidays

The holidays have came and gone but this is my story of the first holiday with my daughter gone and I would love to share it.  My life has been in a whirlwind I have told you about the big things that have happened to me.  I got through the holidays but I did cry and especially at Christmas time.  I wanted to be pregnant last Christmas and that was the only gift I wanted in ‘09. Quick background story about that Christmas.  I was so excited for Christmas because if I had done my calculating right I was able to do the gross thing and find out if I was pregnant I woke up that morning and did my normal waking up routine you know put in contacts, brush my teeth use the bathroom.  But that morning was different because I was so excited I did the gross thing first and than did the rest.  Well before I could get to doing the gross thing I was already starting to be visited by mother nature.  I just did my normal routine than hubby and I went to open Christmas gifts.  We had opened everything than my husband pulls out another present I open it and it is a Wii I was excited don't get me wrong.  But than I just started to cry for a second hubby thought I was excited about the Wii.  I was but I was sad that the only Christmas gift I wanted didn't come true.  A week later I found out that I was pregnant and my present really did happen.  I planned Christmas in my head over and over again while I was pregnant than I blocked out all the ideas in September, October, and November.  In December one plan happened that I had not wanted to happen.  My nephew was buried right next to my daughter and they sang him a Christmas song I cried non-stop my heart was breaking again for my daughter and for my brothers son.  That was the hardest part of Christmas.  We went to her grave decorated it on Christmas Eve we gave her a small live Christmas Tree with a stocking.  It made my heart hurt that I had to celebrate Christmas that way with her instead of watching her enjoy the lights on Christmas.  I love my little angel and I’m glad that she got to spend her Christmas with Our Savior.

Quote of the day

"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart."
— Gordon B. Hinckley

 

 

I loved listening to Gordon B. Hinckley and knowing that he is a true prophet.  I cried the day that he died.  It was the first real time that I remember a prophet dying.  It saddened my heart but I'm so truly for his wonderful counsel that he had given us.  So for today just remember this wonderful quote and smile because you know that we are blessed being able to hear the counsel from the Lord through his Prophets.

 

 

Enjoyin' the small things in life

Hubby and my friends tonight all went bowling tonight.  My best friend J came to help me pack so I wasn't all alone in the cleaning and the packing while my hubby was at school.  My hubby got home and started his homework right away.  So after a long day of schooling, cleaning, and packing my friend J and her husband J (JJ that is what I will call them) they asked if we would like to go bowling.  Hubby said yes and we went to enjoy the night.  Hubby showed off his cool skills of spinning and curving the ball.  However I liked to hit the far right one.  Yep that is me J's Husband also has the same skills as my hubby.  It was fun to watch how they do these skills.  It was lots of fun and worth going bowling and getting to spend time with friends after a long day.

Quote of the day

I thought I would share one of my favorite comic strips.  I can laugh for hours reading Calvin and Hobbes but today I have to go pack and clean our apartment and I'm pretty much feeling like Calvin I would rather be enjoying my imagination than having to clean...

It has been 5 months

It has been 5 months since the day our daughter was still born and my heart still mourns for my little girl.  My little girl was perfect she was absolutely perfect.  I wish sometimes wish that I could still have her to see her beauty develop.  But than I remember that this was part of God’s plan and that we will one day see her beauty.  My life has been a roller coaster these last months.  My brother lost his son.  His son was premature by 15 weeks my little nephew put up a good fight but Heavenly Father also wanted him back. (roller coaster)  Inside I feel as my daughter was lonely seeing all her cousins down here on earth and was getting lonely so she now has a cousin to play with.  I know she was right there waiting for him when he returned.

My daughter influenced my life for the short time that she was here with me.  I had a photographer come to the Hospital and take pictures of my daughter and that is what I want to do and offer my service to other families.  I just got a DSLR camera and I’m just learning how to use it.  It makes my days seem not so boring now.  I pull out my camera and go on an adventure to find a great picture to take.  My husband is busy with school and I envy him.  I wish that I could go to school and have my mind on other things for the couple of hours he is at school.  My dream and I hope becomes a reality soon is that I will be able to take an online course of photography.  I think if I stayed busy with a photography course online I wouldn’t have as much free time to think about my daughter.  Its not because I don’t like thinking about my daughter it just makes my heart hurt.  I know in my heart that my daughter would not want me to be sad for her but instead be happy for her.  I know that my daughter is up in Heaven with family that loves her and family is telling stories to her about her mom and dad.  I know that she is giggling at the stories.  I know that she is my little guardian angel and she is always here to comfort me when I need it.  So I’m not trying to forget about my little girl but I’m trying to carry on like she would want me to.